Election 2020

How to Watch the Election Returns Without Going Insane

Tonight’s the night that the left saves America from TrumpHitler, and redefines “who we are” as a nation. Or something. If you’ve been taken in by that hornswoggle, then this handy guide to watching the election returns is not for you. You’re already insane and there’s no hope for recovery.

It occurs to me that good news or bad news, watching the returns roll in will be stressful for most of us. Here are some tips to help you cope and get through the night without committing hari-kari.

1.Your pre-coverage meal should be light. Avoid spicy foods that may trigger acid reflux and don’t fill up on empty calories like bread and pasta. Or, you can do as many of us are planning to do: start drinking one hour prior to the start of the coverage and don’t stop until you can’t see straight.

2. Avoid CNN’s coverage at all costs. Every Democrat win will be celebrated like a 4th quarter touchdown in the championship game. If the Democrats take over the House, there will be open gloating on the part of “unbiased” reporters while you can bet there will be a lot of talk about “revenge for 2016.” Life is too short to allow these people to spoil your evening. They just aren’t worth losing your mind over.

3. We are likely to get a very good idea of how the night is going sometime shortly after 8:00 PM eastern time. By then, the polls will have closed in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, and Florida. Suburban districts in PA and OH will probably tell the tale if the GOP is to maintain control. Michigan may hold some Republican surprises and if the GOP is doing better than expected there, Democrats will probably start changing their underpants.

Florida will give us a good idea of Hispanic turnout, which could be key to a Democratic takeover.

4. Do not despair at a Republican loss or be on cloud 9 with a GOP win. Of course, if you’re drinking you probably won’t get too high or too low, which is key to maintaining your sanity because it is likely to be a very long night.

5. There will be at least three Senate races that may not be decided for days or weeks. There are likely to be twice that many House races we’ll have to wait on.

If there aren’t, you might want to book passage to Australia or New Zealand because a Democratic blowout is then liklely.

6. Never let them see you cry.

7. Regardless of the outcome, the sun will come up tomorrow, your family and friends will still love you, God will still be in his heaven, and the United States will still exist. Of course, if the Democrats win, we should begin preparing to enter the re-education camps or contemplate our exile on some deserted island.

Hopefully, the island won’t have access to CNN.