Election 2020

Good News: Your Preferred Candidate Won the Debate

AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

Congratulations, real Americans! We just got through the first (and last?) presidential debate of the 2020 election, and the guy you like the best was the obvious winner. That other ridiculous clown made a complete fool of himself, and now it’s more obvious than ever that your preferred candidate is the one who should and will win. Hooray for your side!

Okay, you can all run along now. Your prejudices have been confirmed. The things you know to be true have been proven once again. Have a great day.

Are they gone? Is it just the two of us, Dear Reader? Whew!

So anyway, that debate was… entertaining? Sort of? I don’t usually watch political debates because they’re pointless, but there was no way I was gonna miss this one. Trump vs. Biden, what would such a thing even look like?

At first I was kinda bored. For most of the night I was like, “Okay, this is amazing.” And by the end, I was laughing mirthlessly at the ridiculous spectacle of it all. Two old men knocking the hell out of each other. It was Bumfights with a clothing budget.

If the point of a debate is to learn something new about the candidates, it was a disaster. I assume most of what came out of Biden’s mouth was false and self-contradictory, as usual. And as usual, Trump was… Trump. Nothing was learned, nothing was gained, nobody won.

But as sheer bloodsport, it was exactly what America wants and deserves. It definitely wasn’t boring, which is the worst sin in modern American politics. And even if you hate both candidates, you had to get a kick out of Chris Wallace’s abject helplessness. He completely failed to keep any order, and by the end of that interminable 90 minutes, his voice was tighter than Nancy Pelosi’s face.

If you boiled down this election to one exchange, this would be it:

Trump, as hostile and obnoxious as he is, asks a good question. (It’s a question Biden has been asked since the moment Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, and he refuses to answer it. Incredibly, he claims that asking him what he’ll do as president is a distraction from his campaign for president!) In response, Biden gets rattled and flat-out tells the guy to shut up.

No finesse, no clever debate tactics, no smooth evasions and glib elisions. Just a flat-out back-alley brawl.

That’s what people want, obviously. The worse Trump behaves and the more fed up I get with him, the better he does. I don’t claim to understand why, but it keeps happening. Journalists and other Democrats are too arrogant to learn from it, so he just keeps steamrolling them.

It’s amusing to listen to them moan about Trump’s ultra-belligerent debate performance. We could’ve had President Romney instead, but those buttholes decided “Binders full of women” was a career-ender. They smeared a good man, so now we have this guy. This outcome is on the media, and they deserve every iota of self-inflicted misery. Now they’re taking their medicine and they don’t like it any better than we did.

So now what happens? The same thing that always happens: Trump acts like an astonishing jerk, his fans cheer, and the Dems shriek in agony and rend their garments. Trump either stays the same in the polls or actually gets a bump. And tomorrow everybody moves on to the next “scandal.” Each side is convinced their guy won, everybody’s priors are confirmed, nobody’s minds are changed, and it’s as if there was no debate at all.

Seems to me there’s one fundamental difference between the two parties in 2020: The Dems lament a merciless bully kicking the crap out of a helpless old man. The Republicans celebrate a merciless bully kicking the crap out of a helpless old man.

Exit question: If Biden won, why do the Democrats want to surrender?

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Alyssa ‘#DefundThePolice’ Milano Calls the Cops