Election 2020

After Coming Up... Short, Bloomberg Takes His Box and Goes Home

Democratic presidential candidate former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg speaks during a rally, Tuesday, March 3, 2020, in West Palm Beach, Fla. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

What a crazy week, huh? A lot of people counted Joe Biden out (myself included) just because his brain is a damp ball of socks, but on Saturday he won his first primary ever and then Super Tuesday went his way too. It helped that Joe had “The Pete & Amy Show” backing him up. Presumably all the voters who were delusional enough to think Buttigieg or Klobuchar would be a good president ended up voting for Biden, whose name is much easier to spell. That gave him the edge over Bernie, I guess? And now all the Bernie Bros are mad, so that’s fun.

It was also a big night for Michael Bloomberg, who actually managed to pick up 44 delegates. That’s way more than I predicted (0). Mike has reportedly spent half a billion dollars on his campaign, so that works out to less than $12,000,000 per delegate. Pretty good bargain!

But it wasn’t what Bloomberg was expecting, so now he’s taking his apple box and going home. Axios:

Michael Bloomberg, who spent hundreds of millions of dollars to self-fund his 2020 presidential run, announced Wednesday that he is suspending his campaign after a poor performance on Super Tuesday, according to a source familiar…

“I’ve always believed that defeating Donald Trump starts with uniting behind the candidate with the best shot to do it. After yesterday’s vote, it is clear that candidate is my friend and a great American, Joe Biden,” Bloomberg said in a statement. “I’ve known Joe for a very long time. I know his decency, his honesty, and his commitment to the issues that are so important to our country – including gun safety, health care, climate change, and good jobs.”

Bloomberg spent all that money to upend the establishment, more dough than most of us would ever see in a hundred lifetimes, and now he ends up standing on his tippy-toes to kiss the establishment’s butt. It really is terrific to watch.

And that’s not Bloomberg’s only gift to the world. He might not ever get elected president, but he did give us the worst political ad in the history of everything:

People actually got paid to make that. Mike Bloomberg provided a lot of high-paying jobs to soulless, unprincipled campaign hacks. So that’s not nothing. Unscrupulous drones need to put food on the table too.

Both the Trump-haters and the Trump-lovers get mad at me because I don’t see how he can lose against any of these clowns, and I’m also not going to help. But now I have to rethink Biden’s chances in November. If the Democrats will line up behind a yammering, disoriented fossil who doesn’t even know which office he’s seeking or the difference between his wife and his sister, why wouldn’t they put him in the White House? As 2016 should’ve taught us, nobody knows anything and none of the old rules apply. We’re in uncharted waters, on a boat designed by a committee of mortal foes.


So, we bid you a fond farewell, Michael Bloomberg. Maybe now you can go take that dump you’ve been holding in for 78 years.