Election 2020

The Secret to Mike Bloomberg's Success: Never, Ever Go to the Bathroom

Michael Bloomberg wants to become the 46th president of the United States. Source: Boss Tweed / Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Now that Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren are in trouble, it’s time for Mike Bloomberg to swoop in and steal the Democratic nomination from Bernie Sanders. Bloomberg has already spent hundreds of millions of dollars, and desperate Democrats are trying to figure out how to screw over the Bernie Bros without starting a revolt. Watching the chaos is so much fun, Bloomberg probably wants to ban it.

But with that added attention comes added scrutiny. Bloomberg is catching a lot of heat today for comments he made in 2015 about stop and frisk. A lot of people are calling him a racist, but then, a lot of people call pretty much everybody a racist.

To me, this recently uncovered soundbite from 2011 is even more troublesome:

In other words: Give a crap. Don’t take one!

This explains a lot of things about Bloomberg and his campaign. For example, something like the following makes a lot more sense when you realize that everyone involved in producing it was desperately holding in a bowel movement:

We know Bloomberg loves open-plan offices. So this bafflingly strange ad could only seem like a good idea in a huge roomful of people who are all too scared to go relieve themselves for fear of losing their jobs.

And now that I’ve been cursed with the knowledge of Bloomberg’s bathroom habits — or lack thereof — I can’t look at a picture of him without assuming that he really, really needs to go potty. I mean, just look at this poor lil’ fella:

(AP Photo/John Locher, File)


It’s okay, Mike. You can go. Please, just go. You’ll feel so much better!