Election 2020

Huh? Mayor Pete: 'The Shape of Our Democracy Is the Issue That Affects Every Other Issue'

Mayor Pete Buttigieg talks with an AP reporter at Farmers Market in South Bend, Ind., Thursday, Jan. 10, 2019. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh)

On behalf of my fellow Hoosiers, I’d like to apologize for Pete Buttigieg. This annoying little hall monitor and red-diaper baby has stuck around a lot longer than I thought he would. He got on my bad side right from the start by defining “freedom” as government handouts and abortion on demand. Now that Pete has left his closest rival Beto in the dust, he’s squaring off against Bernie Sanders, a much more seasoned and experienced communist. So it’s time for Apparatchik Mayor Pete to present himself as the reasonable, moderate, non-threatening alternative. It’s time to say things that sound good but mean nothing. It’s time to pander, blandly.

It’s time for crap like this:

This brings to mind the words of another great statesman: “My fellow Americans: As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

“The Shape of Our Democracy Is the Issue That Affects Every Other Issue.” Isn’t that just beautiful? It sounds like it means something, until you think about it for more than two seconds. It’s “We Are the Ones We Were Waiting For” all over again. This guy is the all-white Obama.

And now it’s fun to watch all the Obama fans yelling at this guy for spewing meaningless pseudo-inspirational drivel:

That’s right: Pete is such a doofus, he actually inspired Jeet Heer to say something intentionally funny!

With Buttigieg and Sanders both claiming victory in the hilariously chaotic Iowa caucuses — which are finally over, possibly, if they ever really happened in the first place — it’s going to be fun to watch the Bernie Bros and the Pete Pals sniping at each other. And when one of them gets the nomination, and the other one’s followers are expected to suck it up and get along, it’ll be even more fun to remind those two tribes of all the angry, hostile, wonderfully spiteful things they said to each other.

If Pete ends up winning this scrap with Bernie, then he can get back to slandering Mike Pence, who as governor of Indiana worked with Buttigieg and has never said a word against him. Pence even called Buttigieg “a dedicated public servant and a patriot.” But Pete needs to play the victim, because on the left that’s the same thing as a hero.

P.S. Everything I just said is homophobic, because Buttigieg is gay and I’m not a Democrat. Even though I didn’t say anything about his sexual orientation and don’t particularly care. That’s just how it works.