Election 2020
Premium

Why Is Mike Bloomberg Running for President?

(Photo by Jonathan Raa/Pacific Press)

As F. Scott Fitzgerald once reputedly said: “The rich aren’t like you and me.” And as Ernest Hemingway reputedly replied: “Yeah, they have more money.” If you want proof that they were both right, just look at Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg.

On Tuesday, this clip of ol’ Bloomie interacting with the public on the campaign trail went viral:

Bloomberg shook a guy’s hand, and then grabbed the guy’s dog by the snout and shook it like it was a person’s hand. It didn’t look like he hurt the little fella, but it was still pretty weird. Which makes sense, because Bloomberg is a pretty weird dude. He looked like a space alien who wasn’t sure how to greet this earthling: “It has no hands. What should I do?”

So it was an odd little moment, people made a few jokes about it, and then I thought nothing more about it. But then, the very next day, Bloomberg came out with this:

Michael Bloomberg is very normal and good, as explained by these talking dogs.

This ad got blasted out less than 24 hours later, and obviously it was a response ad. The Bloomberg campaign saw that a lot of people were talking about his very strange behavior with dogs, so they rushed out a very strange ad with talking dogs saying how much they love Bloomberg. It doesn’t seem like a good idea to put out an ad like this in the first place, let alone cranking it out so quickly. It seems… thirsty? Am I using that slang term correctly? I think so. This ad is thirsty. It’s trying way too hard to be cool. It reeks of desperation. It just draws more attention to something he should’ve let go. It’s not a message I would approve if I were running for president, but I guess that’s why I’m not a billionaire.

And if you think it’s cheap to churn out creepy response ads on a moment’s notice every time somebody makes a joke about you on Twitter:

One hundred and eighty million dollars. In the first month. You could make a Marvel movie for less than that. (And it would yield a return, and people would actually like it.) Bloomberg is throwing money around like crazy. He’s reportedly spent $10,000 on sushi for his staffers alone. Sounds like a pretty sweet gig, helping a bored billionaire run for president by making him weird ads about talking dogs.

But why is Bloomberg doing all this? Why is he spending all this money and making such an enormous fool of himself? Is it because he doesn’t have anything else to do with his time? He made a bet with some other billionaires, and now they’re competing to see who can burn through the most cash in a month? He’s lonely and wants to make friends with these hoo-mans? He genuinely thinks he can beat Trump?*

I’m not asking because I claim to know the real answer. I absolutely do not know the real answer. I have no earthly idea why Mike Bloomberg is doing any of this. Does anybody know? Does he know?

If you have any idea, please drop me a line at [email protected]

*That last one is a joke. If Hillary lost to that guy, what chance does Bloomberg have?** I’d say he’s making me miss her, but she still hasn’t gone away.

**But then, I’ve been wrong about everything for the past 4 years. So Bloomberg will probably win. Sorry, everybody!