On Monday, the Armenian YouTube channel ArmComedy released into the world a fantastic piece of Trump-era satire. Seriously, it’s YUGE. You’ve got to check it out. So amazing. All the other FAKE NEWS satire videos are super lame by comparison. Sad!
“Dear Mr. Trump, we know America comes first now and there’s a whole bunch of so-called European countries willing to be second or third,” the video begins. “Bulgaria is even fine with the 10th place, total losers. We Armenians are OK with being the alternative first. Or as the fake media calls it ‘second.'”
The hilarious video continues, fitting in every single Trump trope — not to mention extremely witty anecdotes about Armenia, its history, and its historic rivals.
“We were the first nation to become Christian, because we wanted to avoid the Muslim ban. Smart!” This is TRUE. All of it. (Just kidding — while they were the first Christian country, Armenia didn’t choose to become Christian in 301 A.D. to avoid the so-called Muslim ban. They did it to avoid being the country George W. Bush would invade after the September 11 attacks. Smart!)
Another Armenian anecdote — the country has phallic statues (dating from the Urartian period between 860 and 590 B.C.). “In the ninth century B.C., we built d*cks, huge d*cks all over the place to attract p*ssies and scare off Mexicans,” the video declared. “They never showed up. Couldn’t do it. Fantastic d*cks. Great boners.” Given Trump’s boast about “hand sizes” in a Republican primary debate, this joke is quite a propos, and historical.
In a jab at Trump’s insistence that the crowd for his inauguration was bigger than Obama’s (as if D.C. residents were interested in attending a Republican inauguration), the video also sold Armenia’s alternative enthusiasm for the American president: “Armenians respect you so much that on January 20th, over 5 million people watched your inauguration in the streets of Yerevan. Now, this may not be true in a classic sense, but it’s a terrific alternative fact. It’s actually a fantastic one, OK?”
Perhaps the best part was when the video discussed Armenians’ hatred for “fake stuff.” For instance, “Our neighbor is Georgia — not the state, but the country — fake, losers couldn’t come up with an original name. Sad.” Naturally, this is entirely false — Georgia’s “golden age” came in the Middle Ages, when the country, then referred to as “Georgia” reached its zenith. Still, this is a wonderful ignorant ‘Merican attack.
“We also border with Turkey, not the bird, but the country,” the video added. “Again, couldn’t come up with a name, stole American Thanksgiving symbol. Fake country. So sad.” Again, this is extremely historically inaccurate — which is what makes it so American, and so hilarious.
“By the way, we have them paying for our wall — booyah!!” According to reports, this is true. Turkey is building a wall on its borders with Armenia and Iran — and a fence on the border of Syria — to fight against terrorism and smuggling.
Finally, the video promised that Trump would “love Armenia because Russia is our friend. We can get you anything from there — vodka, bears, secret video tapes with naked girls.” Both Armenia and Russia are Orthodox Christian countries (although Armenia’s church, the Armenian Apostolic Church, is part of Oriental Orthodoxy, while Russia’s church is part of Eastern Orthodoxy), so they do indeed have a friendly diplomatic relationship. Furthermore, Armenia joined the Russia-led Customs Union in 2013, choosing that option over the European Union’s Association Agreement. Russian President Vladimir Putin visited the country that year.
From fake news to building walls, the “Armenia Alternative First” video has all you need to get your laughs after the first few weeks of the Trump era. I, for one, can’t wait to see Turkey’s response.