Culture

Newsweek Demands to Know Why 'Mike Pence's Animals Won't Stop Dying'

(Image via Twitter)

My fellow Americans, I am sorry to bring you this disturbing and frightening tale from the once great Newsweek magazine. First, the good news: world peace has been achieved, human trafficking is no more, and there are no more news stories to report that will upset you more than this one. The bad news is, the Pences are murderous, irresponsible pet owners. Don’t take my word for it, read what crack journalist John Haltiwanger at the venerable giant of a news magazine uncovered in “Mike Pence’s Pets Won’t Stop Dying”: “Vice President Mike Pence’s family has lost yet another pet––a cat named Pickle––just six months after cat Oreo died.”

Pickle the cat died mysteriously after 16 unbearably long years with the deplorable Pence family. While Oreo lived a shorter time, 13 years is an eternity under the tyrannical rule of Mike Pence. Animal lovers everywhere are gathering torches and pitchforks to head to the Pence household to protest the overly long lives these animals had to endure in the presence of such odious people as the Pences.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BcaKqcrFhbu/

Pickle is pictured above looking frantic in the arms of a minor Pence. It’s no surprise to the news media why the Pence pets won’t stop dying. We would die too if we had to be subjected to the daily brainwashing that must go on in that house. Imagine the Bible reading and the family devotion time and dinners together! Yuck! It’s still unknown if Mike Pence would allow Pickle, a female, in the same room with him unaccompanied by his wife, Karen. We’re quite sure there was sex discrimination involved.

Not only did two Pence cats kick the bucket recently, but the family dog too! Maverick was a perky beagle who Pence says “died peacefully.” We’re not sure it wasn’t suicide after paging through the Pence Instagram account. How much smiling and family togetherness can a dog stand? The three now dead pets aren’t the only animals still being held captive by the widely scorned second family. Some adoption center actually let them adopt a new dog and cat despite having three pets who died under mysterious circumstances!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVfhjItlGo7/

Newsweek also uncovered that the Pences’ rabbit, Marlon Bundo, is being used as bunny labor! The Pences had the audacity to post a photo of Bundo on Instagram being forced to sign an unfair labor contract without legal representation. Surely, impeachment proceedings are coming soon.

Also, Newsweek was informed by an unnamed source that the Trumps think very poorly of the Pences and their animal obsession.Trump “reportedly views the Pences as ‘yokels’ and ‘low class’ because of all the animals they’ve brought to Washington,” the article explained.

You know how much we in the news media love our unnamed sources, especially when reporting on the dangerous intrigue of the Pence family pets. Should the identity of Newsweek’s whistleblower be uncovered, there’s no doubt he or she (or xe) would be gunned down in a failed “robbery attempt” in a Washington, D.C., park. Keeping the identities of our pet detectives secret is of the utmost importance to the freedom of the press. Newsweek concludes:
It is unclear if the stress of Washington life is getting to the Pences’ political animals. The typical lifespan for a cat is between 12 to 15 years, so Pickle and Oreo had full lives. The same can be said for Maverick, as beagles typically live between 12 and 15 years, and he made it to the ripe old age of 13. So perhaps there isn’t any capital intrigue to the issue.

Great balls of fire, Haltiwanger! Don’t backtrack now! We’re really onto something! Full steam ahead! Impeachment is right around the corner.