Why All the Smart People Say Obama Is a Great President
We have a lot of problems in this country. Much of that is because the previous president was a violent moron who could barely even function in polite society; he probably tried to bomb the economy when he felt it threaten him. He also liked it when children went without necessary medical attention because that made him laugh.
Luckily, before President Bush could kill us all, President Obama came to save us. All the smart people instantly recognized him as a genius and a savior, but Obama also had the wisdom to use simple phrases like "Yes we can!" that stupid people like you could also understand. Assuaged by those words, you dimwits loosened your grips on your guns and religion, and Obama became president. It seemed soon all our problems would be solved with no interference, but it was not to be so.
Polls show majorities of people now doubting Obama's policies on health care and the economy, but if you polled only really smart people, one hundred percent of them would say that everyone who doubts Obama is an ugly, stupid moron who should choke on his own vomit and die. Obama came to save you, and you ungrateful simpletons now wish to stop him? Obama is a man so obviously smart that all smart people know he's smart, yet dummies like you now think you know better? It’s like everyone has suddenly become racist again and decided to hate Obama.
Let me tell you something: You people elected Obama on few specifics. His nifty catch phrases and elegant teleprompter reading were all you needed. And you didn’t care that he had no real previous experience because you knew he wasn’t some fool who would fritter away his accomplishments before becoming president and was instead smart enough to save his accomplishing things until after becoming president. So what happened? Where did your blind faith go?
I guess once again it's time to explain things simply to you easily panicked idiots: Obama will still solve all of your problems just as he promised. He will get you jobs and free health care and stop other countries from being mean and hating us. All he asks of you is that you not question him. That's all. Nothing more. Except maybe some of your money, but it's just money you hillbillies would have spent on stupid things you don't need like NASCAR races and chewing tobacco.
Yes, right now things may not look so good. Joblessness is still on the rise, huge debt threatens us, Iran and North Korea are going after nuclear weapons unmolested, and now racist children-haters are trying to convince you that health care reform will be a huge, horrible boondoggle. But if you get worried, you just need to remind yourself that Obama is really, really smart. Everyone who is smart says so. So if things he does, like support the re-installation of a socialist proto-dictator in Honduras, seem strange and confusing to you, that’s just because you’re trying to understand it with your stupid brain. If you had Obama’s smart brain, you’d understand how this will all work out in the end.
Many of you have blind faith in your invisible sky fairy, which science proves does not exist, so why can you not have faith in Obama (who is real) and all the things that smart people believe in? And did Jesus ever promise you free health care? Sure, some claim that Jesus healed a few people, but Obama is going to heal everyone with his free health care. And he also promises the new health care programs will somehow lower debt and create jobs. As any smart person using logic will tell you, that’s way more miraculous than anything Jesus did. So why not give Obama your unquestioning devotion?
You don’t need to understand how increased spending will help a country in debt or how increased taxes on energy will help a failing economy, you only need to know that Obama is much, much smarter than you. So obviously his solutions will work much better than anything you troglodytes would think he should do. If you could just have blind faith in Obama’s brilliance, you wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
To help you with that, Obama has started having “Look How Smart I Am” parades through various cities so everyone can see how smart he is. If you are smart, then Obama should appear very smart to you. It seems like a good idea, but the last one was marred when some kid yelled out, “The emperor has no brain!” and started laughing at the bucket stuck on Obama’s head. As I’ve explained before, Obama isn’t an emperor -- yet -- and the reason he had a bucket stuck on his head is that he was quite curious whether his head could fit inside it. Smart people get curious about many different things. If you were smart, you’d recognize that a bucket stuck on his head is in fact a symbol of his genius. And you’d stop laughing at him.
Why do I even try to explain these things to you idiots! How about this: If Obama is as dumb and inexperienced as you think he is, then how did he get elected president? Ha! Explain that one, dummy!