Why Republicans Are Absolutely, Completely, 100% at Fault for the Botched Obamacare Rollout

So there have been a lot of problems with the Obamacare rollout. I guess there's no denying that. The website is not... what's the word... functioning. At all. And some people who are losing their insurance felt a little misled when they misinterpreted Obama's words, "if you like your health care plan, you'll be able to keep your health care plan, period. No one will take it away, no matter what," as meaning... just what he said.

And now people are all angry. They're like, "You want to overhaul health care, and you can't even get a simple website working. You're grossly incompetent! And also a huge liar!" It's a big mess, lots of people are unhappy, and everyone is losing faith in the government. Boy, have the Republicans and the Tea Party extremists really screwed things up this time.

I mean, they're obviously at fault here. On one side, we have President Obama and the Democrats -- very smart, capable people who just want to get everyone health care, even if they have to do it with threats and fines -- and on the other side are those thuggish Republicans and those nutso Tea Partiers who are, like, racist -- especially against taxes. If you're trying to figure out who the villain is here, it can't be more obvious. Obama is intelligent and great, and the people who oppose him are awful. Those Tea Party people are almost like Nazis -- but Nazis who are anti-government. So I guess they're more like those horrendous people from history who didn't like the government pushing them around. You know, the... hmm, I can't remember the name, but I'm pretty sure it's a thing.

So there you have it. It's time to tell those wretched Republican and right-wing crazies to stop messing things up so we can get our health care. They really made a big mess this time, and they're going to pay for it.

What's that? You want an explanation of how they're at fault here? Well, there are... um... so many reasons, it's hard to pick just one.

Oh, but you do want me to name at least one. Okay, uh...

Aha! I got it. All the negative attention the Republicans gave Obamacare caused the website to crash. You know what a "Denial of Service" attack is? That's where a website is flooded with so many requests at once that its servers can't handle it, and the site goes down. Usually, this takes millions and millions of requests, but in the case of healthcare.gov, all it takes is more than eight. So when Republicans were all like "you have to log in and see how bad Obamacare is!" they were, in fact, orchestrating an attack on the new and vulnerable website. So they basically crashed Obamacare by... um... mentioning it.

No, wait; scratch that. I have a new reason why the Republicans are at fault here: the sequester. The Republicans love when the government has less money, and they got their wish with the harsh sequester cuts and the government shutdown that affected literally tens of people. So there just wasn’t enough money to put up a working website. I mean, they only had like a few hundred million dollars to get the job done. I don't think anyone can launch a functioning website for under a billion. Each Wordpress blog costs about... uh... $2.3 billion to launch. Don't bother googling that; I'm pretty sure I'm in the ballpark. So the government just had inadequate funds -- that plus the rushed schedule of three years…. They just couldn't, um...

Actually, I have a better reason this is all the Republicans’ fault: It's because none of them voted for Obamacare. Not a single Republican voted for the bill. Some may ignorantly say, "That means the Republicans bear no responsibility, and the Democrats own this failure entirely." Well, anyone who thinks that is just not thinking things through. Put yourself in the shoes of the programmers -- or sandals, as computer programmers can be weird people -- and think what it must be like to have all these Republicans not want you to be there. Who can work in those conditions?

And this all had to especially affect President Obama. He is a very sensitive guy. He cried at the end of Old Yeller. And at the end of Titanic. And at the end of Ghostbusters -- because he was scared. Scared of the ghosts. Also, he really sympathized with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man -- the way it walked around with a big smile on its face, ignorantly destroying everything around it -- and then the Ghostbusters just blew it up. That was really mean. The Marshmallow Man thought he was helping.

Anyway, the point is: Obama must be severely depressed from all this lack of support and thus completely incapable of doing his job...

Uh... forget that one. Actually, the problem here are the lies and how they've ruined the American people’s trust in their government, and that's all the Republicans' fault. You see, Obama wanted to tell us the truth about how many people would lose their plans and that others would see their premiums increase, but he knew if he did, the Republicans would jump on that and make a big issue of it and how it's all Obama fault, since... you know... he made the bill and got it passed. So Obama had to bend the truth a little to defend against that. Basically, Obama was forced to lie because the Republicans disagreed with him.

Actually... um... forget that one, too. I will now tell you how the Republicans and the Tea Party ruined Obamacare: sabotage! Obviously, Obama and his underlings are intellectually superior, competent people, so the only way they couldn't have launched a fully functional website would be sabotage. And those horrible Tea Party people have to be behind that. Have you ever seen the Tea Party and those Anonymous hackers at the same time? Of course not, because those hackers are anonymous, and you've never seen them -- probably because they're the Tea Party. And I’ll bet they’re funded by some horrible right-wing entity like the Koch brothers -- or perhaps some awful new entity we've never even heard of (Koch sisters, maybe). And I’ll bet they hacked into government computers and messed up all the code for healthcare.gov that previously worked perfectly -- the sort of quality you'd expect from an operation run by government bureaucrats.

So there you are. That's how the Republicans and the Tea Party totally messed up Obamacare and kept it from working as well as everyone had hoped -- or at least as well as the few people who wanted Obamacare had hoped. Well, we can't let them get away with this; in 2014, we need to elect more Democrats to bring us even more quality government programs like Obamacare. Are you excited? If you're excited, just sort of stare at me with a beaten-down expression.

Everyone is so excited.