Why Republicans Are Absolutely, Completely, 100% at Fault for the Botched Obamacare Rollout

And this all had to especially affect President Obama. He is a very sensitive guy. He cried at the end of Old Yeller. And at the end of Titanic. And at the end of Ghostbusters -- because he was scared. Scared of the ghosts. Also, he really sympathized with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man -- the way it walked around with a big smile on its face, ignorantly destroying everything around it -- and then the Ghostbusters just blew it up. That was really mean. The Marshmallow Man thought he was helping.

Anyway, the point is: Obama must be severely depressed from all this lack of support and thus completely incapable of doing his job...

Uh... forget that one. Actually, the problem here are the lies and how they've ruined the American people’s trust in their government, and that's all the Republicans' fault. You see, Obama wanted to tell us the truth about how many people would lose their plans and that others would see their premiums increase, but he knew if he did, the Republicans would jump on that and make a big issue of it and how it's all Obama fault, since... you know... he made the bill and got it passed. So Obama had to bend the truth a little to defend against that. Basically, Obama was forced to lie because the Republicans disagreed with him.

Actually... um... forget that one, too. I will now tell you how the Republicans and the Tea Party ruined Obamacare: sabotage! Obviously, Obama and his underlings are intellectually superior, competent people, so the only way they couldn't have launched a fully functional website would be sabotage. And those horrible Tea Party people have to be behind that. Have you ever seen the Tea Party and those Anonymous hackers at the same time? Of course not, because those hackers are anonymous, and you've never seen them -- probably because they're the Tea Party. And I’ll bet they’re funded by some horrible right-wing entity like the Koch brothers -- or perhaps some awful new entity we've never even heard of (Koch sisters, maybe). And I’ll bet they hacked into government computers and messed up all the code for healthcare.gov that previously worked perfectly -- the sort of quality you'd expect from an operation run by government bureaucrats.

So there you are. That's how the Republicans and the Tea Party totally messed up Obamacare and kept it from working as well as everyone had hoped -- or at least as well as the few people who wanted Obamacare had hoped. Well, we can't let them get away with this; in 2014, we need to elect more Democrats to bring us even more quality government programs like Obamacare. Are you excited? If you're excited, just sort of stare at me with a beaten-down expression.

Everyone is so excited.