Why Liberals Hate the Constitution

Since there are many more conservatives than liberals, and conservatives have so many guns, people often wonder why conservatives don't just round up all the liberals and ship them to Antarctica to be forced to mine for jewels and gold. Well, there is a very good reason for that: by a strict constructionist interpretation of the American Constitution, there is no support for being able to deport liberals to a mining camp.

Now, if conservatives were a bit more flexible with their view of the Constitution, they would say things like, "Well, we have to remember it's a living document, and the Founding Fathers hadn't even thought of the threat of hippies running around free when they wrote it." And then they'd look to the Commerce Clause and say, "Well, keeping liberals from meddling in America and forcing them do something useful like mining sure would help the economy, so it's within the government's power." And then it'd just be a manner of scheduling all the boats to get liberals to Antarctica.

But that would violate the spirit of the Constitution since, by plain English interpretations of the government's powers, we can't forcefully ship liberals to Antarctica no matter how much people may think that would help the country. And that's the point of the Constitution: people are constantly changing their ideas of what is good and bad, but the Constitution is much harder to change. It puts limits on what the government can do, and those limits can only be changed when huge majorities agree to it through the amendment process. And even after ObamaCare, there inexplicably isn't enough support for a "Liberals Are to Be Sent to Mines in Antarctica" amendment.

After the hysterical way liberals reacted to the reading of the Constitution by Republicans to open Congress, with Democrats objecting to it, left-wing newspaper editorials denouncing it, and liberals online freaking out over it, no reasonable person would argue that liberals don't hate the Constitution, but the reasons why aren't as obvious. So the question becomes, why do liberals hate the Constitution so much -- especially when it's the only thing protecting them from freezing to death with pickaxes in their hands?

We are all aware that liberals want the Constitution to be a living document, like if Geppetto wanted Pinocchio to become a real boy so it would be easier to strangle him to death. They want it living so they can render its words meaningless. To them, the Constitution is this cryptic document only the most educated Ivy Leaguers are able to interpret. Recently, the Washington Post's Ezra Klein even stated that "the text is confusing because it was written more than 100 years ago." And then we have all these court decisions -- much longer than the document itself -- that find all these hidden rights not mentioned in the Constitution and explain away the ones that are clearly stated. And don't argue with liberals on the subject, because they're really smart and the only ones able to understand what they’re talking about.

Thus the freakout over the Constitution being read aloud. No matter how much liberals try to mystify the Constitution and obscure its meaning, hearing the actual text of the document quickly destroys that fiction. It almost reads like a direct condemnation of all the government expansion and power grabs liberals have been up to lately. You can't hear its words without imagining the ghost of George Washington punching hippies. So you can see why they'd rather it not be brought to the public's attention.