Why Every Kid in America Doesn't Need to Be Educated

Now, obviously some people who are not budding genocidal dictators need education. Without our best and brightest being fully educated, how are we going to keep getting new features for our iPads each year? But is the most efficient path to that really to teach absolutely everyone and hope a small percentage actually retain some of what they’re taught? Why can't we just identify the few kids worth educating and focus on them? We'll find a few of the very best teachers -- people who are a combination of Einstein and Master Splinter -- and make sure our best and brightest get all the quality education they need. And we'll teach them more efficiently, because if, after seventeen years of schooling, someone can't hand assemble a warp drive, then we’ve wasted a lot of time there.

As for everyone else, why don't we just focus on what the average citizen actually needs? Everyone needs literacy, as you have to have some reading skills to be able to set your shows to record on a DVR. And then we should also teach everyone how to use Google, as that will cover science, history, and math whenever those come up. No reason that basic knowledge can't be knocked off in a year for each kid.

Now, I know some people are all worried about what all the kids are going to do if they're no longer in school most of the year, because really, isn't that most of what school is nowadays -- something to keep kids out of our hair during the day? Here's an idea: You notice how everything is made in China? It's illegal in the U.S. to pay kids ten cents an hour to manufacture goods, so we just do that overseas instead. That's idiotic. Why not have our own kids work during the day building plastic trinkets and whatnot? They'd learn useful working skills, come home nice and tired, and they'd actually appreciate earning ten cents an hour, because kids are stupid.

So there's our solution to the education problem: Instead of trying to make a lot of bad education for everyone when most aren't even going to use it, let’s focus on making the absolute best education to give to the few who will. Everyone else gets to learn useful skills, and as a bonus we bring manufacturing jobs back to our country. And we save billions of dollars by telling all the teachers' unions they're fired and turning most schools into 24-hour gyms and office space. I think I just won the future for us. So is there any problem with this plan other than it being so intensely logical?