What if China Bailed Out America?

  • Cut taxes and eliminate government programs including welfare and food stamps. Those willing to eat must wash dishes at Pei Wei Asian Diners and stuff fortune cookies with quotes by Friedrich Hayek, Ayn Rand, and Milton Friedman.
  • Shut down public schools; that should double the national IQ within six months. Sell the buildings to private schools that teach strong work and study ethics. If you want your children to build self-esteem, convert the Department of Education into a Ping Pong Palace.
  • Ensure a young and vibrant workforce by strengthening marriages with a minimum two-child policy.
  • Purge Hollywood using Tiananmen Square tactics if necessary.
  • Return decency, moral standards, and patriotism to American movies with a strict motion picture production code. That will boost national morale and optimism better than the daily lecturing on TV by a wussy president and his embarrassing sycophants.
  • Repeal minimum wage, ban strikes, and dissolve labor unions. Reboot Detroit auto factories and Pittsburgh steel mills.
  • Stop subsidizing industrial and agricultural concerns, ethanol plants, and wind farms. If they can't stand on their own, let them fall and give way to those that can.
  • Mandate all public officials to use public transportation and public health care. Cap their salaries until the economy in their districts fully recovers.
  • Oust the defunct Castro regime. Expand the Guantanamo base to the rest of Cuba and change its name to Gitmo Island. Reuse Castro's network of political prisons to house opponents of this recovery plan.
  • Resettle those Americans who advocate green collective lifestyle to Cuban tobacco plantations with no electricity and polluting farm equipment.
  • In case of emergency China reserves the right to demote Mr. Obama to a White House greeter and give his current position to Jerry Yang or a similarly adept business executive.

In conclusion, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao assured President Obama that "failure is an option." If the United States doesn't regain its former status of a self-sustaining and productive nation by 2012, it will become property of the Chinese government and open for a full-scale colonization under the name of New Taipei. "This is the kind of change we're talking about!" said Wen Jiabao, paraphrasing Mr. Obama's most successful campaign slogan.

This satire was written using ideas from several People's Cube contributors.