What if China Bailed Out America?

During the recent meeting with President Obama, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao minced no words when he stated that "immediate action is necessary to keep a once prosperous nation" from falling flat on its face.

"If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country," said Wen Jiabao. "We thought we were investing in a nation of the world's greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients. Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we're giving you the specifics."

Mr. Obama was then given the following list of changes designed to fix America:

  • Replace all regulatory czars with one mandarin of deregulation.
  • Build the Great Wall on the Mexican border; it will employ at least 10 million people.
  • Send 4.5 million troops to Afghanistan with a two-week victory plan.
  • Crush the pesky Islamic extremists with a single wave of soldiers from Pakistan to Morocco. There will be no detainees. All suspects will be executed on the spot.
  • Unilaterally institute a pro-American foreign policy. Make your national self-interest a priority, for crying out loud.
  • Cancel all foreign aid. Retrain ACORN employees as small business instructors and ship them to third world countries with one-way tickets. Let them earn their keep by promoting the private sector and developing consumer markets for American products.
  • Sell off Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac to the highest bidder with a special "buy one, get one free" incentive. Eliminate subprime mortgage programs.
  • Begin immediate drilling for oil in ANWR, complete with a caribou meatpacking plant to feed the arriving workers.
  • Disband EPA. Drop restrictions on energy and coal mining. If you want cleaner air, build nuclear plants.
  • Remove "endangered species protections" from animals and give them to producers of American wealth.
  • China will take title to all national parks and develop them into industrial and housing projects. Grizzly bears make tasty char siu and pandas attract more paying visitors anyway.