We're Not Nearly Dead
O: First things first, to the death
USA: No. To the pain.
O: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase
USA: I’ll explain and I’ll use small words, so you’ll be able to understand, you pitiful redistributionist buffoon.
O: That may be the first time in my life a country has dared to insult me.
USA: It won’t be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your adoring multitudes. Stadiums? Ah. You won’t be able to fill a high school gym. Then those financing you will start to have doubts, and Romney will out-fundraise you.
O: [losing patience] And then my golden tongue will desert me, I suppose. I let you have too much freedom last time. I’ll do better in my second term.
USA: You never had a golden tongue. And I wasn’t finished. Finally, even your lap dog press starts to have doubts. You lose your look of inevitability–
O: [exasperated] And then my life. I understand. Let’s get on with it.
USA: Wrong. You lose the election. Your life you keep, and I’ll tell you why: so that in your voluntary Kenyan exile, no matter how much you tell the world the only reason you were kicked out was racism, you’ll know you were a complete failure. Every joke a late-night comedian makes at your expense, will be yours to cherish. Every time you hear or read the phrase “worse than Carter,” you’ll know they’re talking about you. Every time your nose-in-the-air mannerisms are spoofed, you’ll see it or hear about it. Every time people giggle at “hope and change” you’ll know they’re laughing at you.
USA: This is what “To the pain” means: I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
O: [cautious] I think you’re bluffing.
USA: It’s possible, Renegade. I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass of Marxist indoctrination, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But then again, November draws near... And perhaps I have the strength, after all.
Loosely based on: