Welcome to Illinois, Gitmo Terrorists

If it's not too premature, I would like to welcome my new neighbors, those detainees from the soon-to-be-closed Guantanamo prison camp, to the greatest state in the country -- Illinois.

I know that everyone thinks their own state is tops, but really, let's get serious. The terrorists will be coming to a state that boasts stupendous agricultural bounty, hard-working and industrious people, and a political system that is the envy of the Western world.

Well ... maybe West Newark.

To familiarize you with your new home, allow me to give you some fun facts about Illinois and offer you a look at your soon-to-be-new prison, the Thomson Correctional Center.

"Land of Lincoln"

That's our state motto. No, Honest Abe was not born here (he was born in Kentucky). He didn't grow up here either (he spent several years in Indiana). But since both Kentucky and Indiana were a little slow in claiming him as one of their own, he got to be ours by default.

You might also be interested to know that our state amphibian is the Eastern tiger salamander, our state insect is the monarch butterfly, and our state reptile is the painted turtle. And when the state legislature gets around to naming an official jihadist martyr, we'll let you know.

A word about the weather; it gets cold in Illinois. Real cold. The other day while you were basking in 80 degree temperatures in Cuba, we were freezing our butts off at 7 below. And if you've never spent a summer along the Mississippi River, I suggest you bring a lot of mosquito repellent and a fan. You have no idea what hell is like until you experience 95 degree days and 80% relative humidity.

So there's that to look forward to also.

Thomson, IL: Things to do

From the official village website:

We have some of the finest watermelons and produce in the country.

Thomson is at the intersection of Illinois Route 84 and Argo Fay Road nestled along the mighty Mississippi River, where Potter's Marsh (U.S. Corps of Engineers -- Thomson Causeway Public Use Area) offers some of the finest camping in Northwestern Illinois. Thomson is also known for some of the finest duck hunting, deer hunting and turkey hunting in the state of Illinois. Fishing is great!! We have a wide variety of fish on the mighty Mississippi River, Huge Catfish, Walleye, Bass, Northern Pike, Bluegills and the list goes on and on.

If you are planning on a quiet vacation or want to do some camping, come and see what Thomson has to offer. Thomson is also the site of the Illinois Department of Corrections newest maximum security prison -- a $145 million facility which remains unopened.

Now, doesn't that sound inviting? Love watermelons, and I'm sure you will too. In fact, our town nickname is "Melon Capitol of the World." They are especially valuable for hollowing out and hiding guns, bombs, and knives. They are also an excellent way to hide messages to your friends, relatives, and fellow terrorists overseas.