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Top 10 Ways to Convince People You're Right and They're Wrong

Writing in All Caps: IS THIS CONVINCING YOU OR AM I JUST LOOKING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON?

Raing: * (one star)

Bribery: So how much do you like your opinion? Can you put a dollar amount on it? Theoretically, this one should work pretty well. Like if someone gave me a million dollars, I could make myself see the positive aspects of the Export Import Bank. Of course, the more deeply held the belief, the more it will cost to get someone to change his mind. Also, I hate people who disagree with me; I don't want to give them money.

Rating: * * 1/2 (two and a half stars)

Media Saturation: Hey, everyone in your favorite TV shows thinks global warming is super serious, so you should too! If you can control most of the media, then you can make it look like your own opinions are the only good and popular ones. Of course, the problem with this is you have to control most of media (harder with the internets). Also, while it might work on people without strong opinions, for people like me, it just makes me want to punch people. Or headbutt them. Sometimes kick. I'm not usually big on kicking, though.

Rating: * * 1/2 (two and a half stars)

Bullying: "Nice business you got there. Wouldn't want your wrong opinions to get in the way of that, would you?" This is a favorite tactic of the Social Justice Warriors -- the sociopaths for tolerance -- where they go after different individuals until people are too scared to express other opinions. Seems to work decently well, but if pushed too far it could lead to the next item.

Rating: * * * (three stars)

Civil War: This is the one the right likes to fantasize about since they have all the guns and most of the military on their side. Basically, if pushed far enough, they could win every argument ever in about a weekend. The whole concept of the civil war is the people better at shooting the other people have the better opinions. Strategically then, it might be good to have opinions shared by psychopaths. The nice thing about this option is it does seem to settle arguments for a good, long time. The disadvantage is millions dead.

Rating: * * * 1/2 (three and a half stars)

Openness: One known way to influence someone is to make a connection by truly wanting to understand and consider his or her views. So, to influence someone, you have to be so open to them that you are ready to be influenced yourself. But if you can get your own views changed, that sort of ruins the whole point of this exercise of getting other people to admit they're wrong.

Rating: (zero stars)

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So there isn't really any great way to get people to change their minds -- despite how wrong everyone is. So what I usually do is just pretend that everyone who disagrees with me is just being ironic and that makes the internet much more enjoyable.

Heh. Everyone other than me is so funny.