Through the Teleprompter Glass

Now, instead of “I inherited” I will say, “It’s not my fault.” As in, it’s not my fault the Republicans now control Congress.

It’s not my fault Americans don’t understand what I have done for them.

It’s not my fault unemployment rates have remained high.

It’s not my fault there are no such things as shovel-ready projects.

It’s not my fault that billions of stimulus dollars were wasted.

It’s not my fault your health insurance premiums are dramatically increasing.

It not my fault White House staffers are fleeing.

It’s not my fault the rise of the oceans never slowed and our planet never healed.

Now that the midterm elections are finally over, I will be busy working on two great initiatives for the benefit of the American people.

The first initiative calls for stimulating the economy with the increased production of Krazy Glue. This stems from our need to ensure that whenever I travel across our nation there will always be an ample supply so never again will my presidential seal fall off my podium.

The second great initiative is my 2012 re-election. Yesterday’s teachable moment taught me that I am through with teachable moments. So starting today I have issued an executive order for a full-scale mobilization of every dead person who did not vote yesterday. I will be appointing a resurrection czar to ensure that every Democrat family will be reunited with their loved ones just in time to get them to the polls on November 6, 2012.

Finally, as president I am often asked, “What keeps you up at night?” Well, let me tell you what kept me up last night.

Remember back in November 2004 when I was first elected senator from Illinois? That means yesterday if I were still a senator, I would have been up for re-election. So last night I wondered: would I have lost my seat? Unfortunately my former Senate seat was lost yesterday to a Republican, but thankfully it wasn’t me on the ballot.

Then I fell into a deep sleep knowing the loss of my old Senate seat wasn’t my fault.