The Thanksgiving Act of 2009: A New Way to Celebrate

The traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece of a cornucopia, flower arrangement, paper turkey, or candles is out. An Organizing for America-approved diorama featuring the first family seated around the table in the White House dining room is in.

In order to save electricity and save the planet, all cooking must be done between 11 p.m. the night before and 5 a.m. With this important issue in mind, using a flat-screen television larger than 58 inches to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and various football games is strictly prohibited. Finally, using a dishwasher is also forbidden due to energy and phosphate concerns, and all dishes will be done by hand (preferably in cold water).

Obesity is an epidemic that is sweeping America and portion control, even on festive days of celebration, will be strictly enforced. Therefore, two slices of turkey and half a cup of each side dish, with one-eighth cup of low-fat gravy lightly drizzled over all, is the new norm, and a nutrition information label will be required for every item. Also, only one slice of pie per person will be allowed -- so choose your favorite carefully.

It’s scandalous that in this land of plenty, there are still people who won’t have Thanksgiving dinner. Food pantry offerings, civic groups “adopting” families, and soup kitchens are a nice idea, but the problem with them lies in the fact that they are run by private-sector individuals and charities. Consequently, every family in America will be assigned dinner guests who, because they are unfortunate in their inability to provide a substantial holiday meal for themselves or their families, will share yours. Please note that they will not be expected to help you cook, serve, or clean up, as that would be considered degrading to their situation. In addition, your menu must be pre-approved by the caseworker assigned to you to be sure that no food your “guests” might dislike or otherwise find offensive will be served. If your “guests” do not speak English, you will be required to provide an interpreter if you are one of those isolationist types who are too self-absorbed to learn another language. Finally, your “guests” will be entitled to take home all of the leftovers. They need them more than you do.

Welcome to our brave new world. Happy Thanksgiving!