The Thanksgiving Act of 2009: A New Way to Celebrate

With all of the brouhaha surrounding the health care debate, another bill was passed by Congress and signed by President Obama with little notice.

Called the Thanksgiving Act of 2009, it makes major changes in the way Americans of all colors and creeds celebrate Thanksgiving in accordance with hope and change. So as Americans get ready to celebrate the big day -- first by stuffing themselves full of food and then by sitting down in front of the television for a football game -- they should note the provisions within the new legislation.

To wit:

Giving thanks to God, family, and friends for your blessings -- or your great-aunt Edna for not making her signature lime Jell-O salad with fruit cocktail, coconut, and miniature marshmallows -- is no longer allowed. We must now give thanks to Government (with a capital G) for all of the good things that the wise, all-knowing educated people who run the Government provide to all Americans through its beneficent generosity funded by taxpayer dollars.

Over the river and through the woods -- Thanksgiving travel to spend the day with family and friends has become an American tradition. Beginning this year, if you plan to travel to someone else’s home -- even if it’s just across town -- you must do so via public transportation or a pre-approved carpool. If you choose to use your own vehicle, you’ll be slapped with a special Thanksgiving travel tax, the money from which will go to save the planet.

While turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce may still be served, it’s important that foods from various ethnic traditions be included at every American table, because for too long Thanksgiving has been a racist holiday that excludes too many multicultural customs. To that end, menus in all households should include foods such as falafel, dried Icelandic cod, General Tso’s chicken, sushi, curried lamb, tacos, and spotted dick. “Sustainable” ingredients purchased locally are also a must. A list of acceptable foods can be found at