The Super-Top-Secret, Extra-Personal Campaign Diary of Hillary Rodham Clinton

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Entry #101

Dear Diary,

Another milestone! Menopause, first day of Year 19. Sigh.

Nonsense in Politico this morning: It says some of my friends don't want me to run. Who, friends who don't want to be friends when I win? Puh-leeze! This is a lock. If only I had the press on my side! Ha! Ha! (Hashtag snark. Is that how you write it?)

"To Do When I Am President" List: Why do we still make staples out of metal? Surely we are running out of that. Everyone must fold over the corners and tear! Hashtag savetheplanet

Must stop at airport gift shop to buy hoodie for Putin, in case he ever shows up shirtless. (Just between us, though, dear diary... mama likey!)

Headed to Iowa today for DUH reasons: You want the hillbilly vote, you have to do the hillbilly dance. Locking myself in the airplane bathroom to practice my inbred-cracker accent. Y'all. Shotgun. Gawd. Superstitious gun-toting mouth-breathers. Hashtag justkidding. Like going back to Arkansas in '78 except the women dress like the Amish instead of American Hustle. (Must see it soon. Bradley Cooper's perm = new 'do for me???)

Thinking of signing into the hotel under a false name. Ideas so far: Eleanor Roosevelt, Heywood Jablowme, Ben Gazzy.

Random thoughts: What does George F. Will's wife have that I don't? And why doesn't GFW answer my emails? Perhaps if I signed them. It would be a Capulet/Montague affair, but the heart wants what it wants. Plus, think of the press!

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