The Real Story of America's Founding

For these causes the Revolutionary War was fought and won, allowing the colonists to form their own country: the United States of America. And they made a constitution giving the government the right to control its citizens’ activities and wealth and made sure the Constitution had lots of things like the Commerce Clause, which could be broadly interpreted to allow people in the government to do whatever they felt was best, such as force people to buy things. And they added a Bill of Rights, which outlined all the free stuff the federal government was supposed to give everyone in case they were too lazy or stupid to get it themselves.

So America prospered until there formed a group of agitators who wanted to put as much salt as they wanted on their food. This could not be allowed, of course, so America fought the extremely bloody Civil War, which led to two horrible outcomes: The first ever Republican president (who was killed while in office by going to the theater and eating popcorn made with refined coconut oil) and the Thirteenth Amendment, which ended one of the greatest progressive programs ever, one that had guaranteed jobs and shelter to millions of underprivileged people.

America continued on, though, with Reconstruction: The attempt to build government as big as it had been before the war. And the government got bigger and stronger for many years until one day America faced its greatest nemesis yet: the Nazis. The Nazis (a.k.a. the National Capitalist German Investors' Party) started spreading all over Europe, radically reducing government and ending all regulations on business and individual behavior (you can watch old footage of them savagely cutting taxes if your stomach can handle it). As a result, millions died from obesity and smoking. Luckily the world united against them and defeated that evil, and everyone vowed that people would never again live without a government dictating their every action.

So it seemed things would be peaceful for a time, but then arose the Red Menace -- also known as Red Staters -- who demanded this dangerous thing called liberty where people got to make their own choices even if really smart people -- people with PhDs from prestigious schools -- thought it was a bad idea. As obviously stupid as this liberty idea was, it caught on and has infected the American psyche ever since. And now people have forgotten the very American ideals of regulation and government control this nation was founded on.

But San Francisco and New York City are bravely taking a stand for the true American idea of a government that controls our every action. They know that "freedom" should instead be called "costly dumb" because it is stupidity that costs us all and leads to obesity, lung cancer, over-salting, and circumcised children getting toys in their meals. People think liberty is a great thing to have, but is it worth having people impulsively buy goldfish and then later realize that maybe they didn't want the goldfish but now they're stuck with the goldfish? Of course not; nothing is worth that. And it's un-American to insinuate otherwise.