The government shutdown will be a human catastrophe
Joe Btfsplk is no longer an essential employee of the federal government. In fact, based on extensive investigations by the Department of No Compromise (DNC), he is now the only non-essential federal employee left standing and hence the only one directly subject to the horrors of the threatened government shutdown. All other hardworking government employees were properly determined to be essential because the federal government is the country's sole force for full employment, economic recovery, social investment, social progress, public health and sanity, defeating global warming and all of the countless other essential government initiatives.
Even though not declared essential, Joe had a critical job: he was (and remains) the extraordinarily effective director and sole employee of the DNC; he and he alone declared government employees essential. Having worked long and hard since the horrible specter of a shutdown was presented months ago, Joe was unrelenting in his noble quest and searched high and low for bases upon which to declare everyone else essential. Those few who could not otherwise be justified as essential were given additional but highly essential duties to perform. Many essential jobs were thus created or saved. Sadly for Joe, he did his work so selflessly and competently that his efforts are no longer essential. In his haste to declare victory in the War on Shutdowns, he sadly neglected to find any additional but still essential duties for himself. For these lamentable breaches of the most sacred of all of the rules governing bureaucratic action, miserly conservatives insist that Joe now bear the consequences on his own broad shoulders.
Joe has a loving wife and twelve children with whom, for the entire duration of the shutdown, he will have to spend many of the happy hours he had previously devoted to his work. Although many non-governmental jobs have recently become available, such as hamburger flipping at McDonald’s, his commitment to Mrs. Obama's war on obesity makes it morally repugnant for him to seek one. Sadly, he has no qualifications whatever for any other job outside the federal government.
We must all take pity on Joe and think of him often. Even though it may be too late, President Obama is doing his very best to prevent the shutdown and hence to help poor Joe. He has scheduled a prime time press conference to introduce Joe so that he can explain how this disaster will affect him personally and, by extension, all truly empathetic citizens.