The Golden Age of Being Offended

I am angry all the time. I am constantly upset to the point that I can't eat and can barely sleep. Just the sight of other people laughing fills me with painful rage. Because that's how tolerant I am.

We are in a golden age of progressivism. We are hurtling to new frontiers of tolerance and understanding that not even the most fevered imagination could have conceived of a decade ago. And that's because we’ve unlocked the core of progressivism, the sine qua non of people of all races, ethnicities, genders, sexual preferences, and categories yet to be added getting along: being offended.

Everyone remembers stories about the Puritans. They were religious types who judged each other and were offended constantly by normal human behavior. We look at them with contempt now, though, as the scope of what offended them was too narrow. Their imaginations about what sorts of things to get angry about were too limited. And never once did they use papier-mâché puppets in a protest. But now that the secular world has taken over being offended by everything, we are truly in a renaissance.

I am now upset by more things before breakfast than a normal man used to be upset by all month. And every day, social scientists are busy conducting studies, performing experiments, and consuming heavy amounts of drugs in order to come up with brand new things for the enlightened individuals in society to be offended by. It's thrilling. Think of it -- not that long ago, referring to only women having babies would have been as offensive as saying that two plus two equals four, but now it's highly insensitive and will get you screamed at and protested. And saying two plus two equals four is also offensive because it's falnumericalnormative. I just made that word up. Because that's the glorious world we're in now: one where we have to constantly make up new words to describe brand new concepts that offend us.

But if I think I'm advanced at being offended, it won't compare at all to the next generation.