The Equal Earth Amendment

Another Earth Day has come and gone, with my family and me observing it in the same fashion as always. We committed to spending the entire day on this planet, enjoying its bountiful supplies of air, food, and free political theater. And speaking of the bizarre entertainment options offered in the media, perhaps none were quite as interesting as a proposal headed for the United Nations to give “Mother Earth” all the same rights and entitlements as any human being:

Bolivia will this month table a draft United Nations treaty giving "Mother Earth" the same rights as humans  -- having just passed a domestic law that does the same for bugs, trees and all other natural things in the South American country.

The bid aims to have the UN recognize the Earth as a living entity that humans have sought to "dominate and exploit" -- to the point that the "well-being and existence of many beings" is now threatened.

The “bid” in question purports to provide the third rock from the sun with a variety of specific rights, including “life, water and clean air; the right to repair livelihoods affected by human activities; and the right to be free from pollution.” Unfortunately, Gaea rarely seems inclined to actually speak to anyone aside from a few indigenous shamans who’ve eaten a fist full of psilocybin mushrooms. Therefore, the planet would be represented by an ombudsman, “whose job is to hear nature's complaints as voiced by activist and other groups.”

A tremendous proposal, as I’m sure we can all agree, but it hardly goes far enough. After all, representation in the United Nations or any other collaborative body doesn’t mean very much without a vote. Clearly, if this proposal is to have any teeth, we need to ensure that a new seat specifically for Mother Earth is added to the hallowed hall of the UN. Perhaps the chair could be occupied by a large chunk of highly resonant quartz accompanied by an aide from the aforementioned shaman sect who interprets the planet’s wishes on each matter.

It should also be a no-brainer to point out that the Earth is far bigger than any single nation and, as such, should immediately be given a permanent seat on the Security Council. If we’re worried about the seating limit they can just drop the United Kingdom since they seem pretty busy with a wedding or something anyway.