The Creation According to Atheists

Atheists are often an unfairly feared and scorned group. Many people tend to look upon them with disdain just because they have doubts about theology and like to go on TV and scream about how the majority of Americans are stupid for believing in God. This has led many religious people to have negative misconceptions about atheists, thinking among other things that they are followers of Satan.

That's ridiculous. Atheists don't worship Satan. They worship Athor, rational god of logic, who cherishes all that is logical and smites all that is illogical, such as religion. His worshipers leave him gifts of logic, like Sudoku puzzles, at his altar so that Athor might bestow upon them rational thought and they can better spot ideas that are stupid and worth mocking. This leads to the greatest gift Athor has to offer his followers: a feeling of superiority.

Ever notice how many Bibles are labeled "Holy Bible" on the front? Ever wonder what other types of Bibles there are? Atheists learn the teachings of Athor from the "Logical Bible," as atheists consider "Logical" infinitely better than "Holy." To help you better understand atheists, here's part of the story of creation as written in the Logical Bible:

In the beginning, there was nothing, the most logical state for the universe to be in. Though Athor, rational god of logic, approved of such a logical existence, he longed for there to be beings who foolishly believe in irrational things such as religion so that he might laugh at them and their stupidity. Thus Athor set about to create conditions in which such beings would arise in a purely logical and scientific manner. So he created the universe from an infinitely dense and infinitely hot singularity in the Big Bang. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Photons continued to form as the universe cooled. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

More cooling. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Again, more cooling. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. ...

Eventually, a planet was formed at the right distance from a star for life to be sustained -- as was likely and logical to happen given the size of the universe(s) -- and Athor saw it and declared it "good enough." Thus was formed the planet Earth. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, three hundred forty-five billion, six hundred eighty-eight million, seven hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred forty-second day.

The earth cooled. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, three hundred forty-five billion, six hundred eighty-eight million, seven hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred forty-third day.

More cooling. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, three hundred forty-five billion, six hundred eighty-eight million, seven hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred forty-fourth day. ...

Athor determined that the earth was now in such a condition that life might logically form, and thus it became so, through means still unknown though we have many theories about them. Athor's ways can be enigmatic to us, but eventually we always figure them out and they are no longer so. So while the means by which Athor formed life are currently unknown, we can have faith that the means were quite scientific and logical and by no means mysterious.