The Audacity of Notes

Subject: ANIMAL JUSTICE: tell Congress to stop abusing our pets!

Dear Friend,

In a recent online chat at Google Hangout, the first lady explained to her audiences the steps they all need to take in order to comply with correct pet-caring procedures. Her remarks were met with overwhelming support from groups of concerned citizens. This inspired Michelle Obama to push the issue a little further, with a new "ANIMAL JUSTICE" campaign to end domestic abuse of pets, in which many American engage on a daily basis by feeding their dogs inappropriate food and depriving them of necessary exercise.

The only way to help the defenseless animals is to pressure Congress via your email, Facebook, and Twitter to ban the unauthorized sale of pet food and to pass a bill that would make animal feeding a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment.

It is only fair that all domestic pets be fed by specially trained government pet-feeders who must have unrestricted access to pet-owners' premises at all times. The health of our pets also requires that they be walked by licensed pet-walkers who will make sure the pet is properly exercised, and who will electronically tag all ensuing pet droppings, which the owners must then collect using government-issued GPS tracking devices within specified time limits, lest they be subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment.

This will, of course, require a new, well-funded government program, for which pet owners will have to pay just a little more in taxes.

Tell Congress to do the right thing!


Subject: HOME COOKING: tell Congress to end the practice of unsupervised food preparation!

Dear Friend,

You probably know that the first lady is very concerned about your well-being. That is why she has always opposed home cooking. Government studies show that the plague of unsupervised, unlicensed home cooking has long been causing immeasurable suffering on its unsuspecting victims throughout the United States.

Michelle Obama has made it her goal to eliminate the concept of a kitchen from the modern living environment -- and now she has a plan that will also create millions of new jobs for Americans.

But she will need your help.

Send Congress a message via email, Facebook, and Twitter and tell them to ban all sales of food items and cooking utensils to private citizens, making home food preparation a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment. The people must demand the creation of a comprehensive kitchen removal and disposal program, whereby government technicians would uninstall all existing kitchen equipment in private homes, ending this outdated custom once and for all.

Concerns about public health require that all citizens consume prescribed rations in specially designated feeding areas, administered to them by trained government people-feeders on the basis of a correct menu calculated by government nutritionists.

To make this dream a reality, all we need to do is pay a little more in taxes. Most of the lower-income and middle-class family budgets will not be affected, considering how much this program will save them by eliminating food shopping from their lives. Cooking-utensil buyback programs, such as "Cash for Kitchenware," will further incentivize this lifestyle transformation.

This plan has already been endorsed by prominent government officials, including Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who praised its obvious benefits, such as prevention of accidental burns, food poisonings, and kitchen fires.

Such a program will finalize the complete liberation of women from the shackles of family, as well as give all citizens a gift of additional free hours every day, which they can use to contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter and ask their representatives to improve their lives with more bans, taxes, and government programs.