Thanksgiving Dinner As Combat Zone: A Guide to Survival

Dear Belladonna Rogers,

I'm having my annual holiday anxiety attack.  In two weeks, I’ll be at the family table with my four competitive, wealthier brothers and sisters who take intense pleasure in looking down on my husband, children and me. We chose less well-paying occupations and, as a result, have less luxurious houses, wardrobes and vehicles than my older siblings.  They range in age from 43 to 50.  I’m 40, and very happy with my work, my husband, and our two children.

With our parents no longer alive, these gatherings have become more intolerable every year. My husband and children feel as I do.

My siblings invariably spend the dinner dropping names of exclusive resorts, designers, and luxury products.

How do you recommend coping with sibling rivalry among adults who, when seated around the Thanksgiving table, become as snarky and mean as they were as children?

Youngest in Youngstown

Dear Youngest,

The opening line of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina is, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”  I beg to differ.  I would suggest that each happy family is happy in its own way;  every unhappy family is unhappy for the same reason: a lack of kindness and empathy in some or all of its members.

Your final paragraph shows that you understand exactly why you’re unhappy with your brothers and sisters, the siblings who vied for parental attention four decades ago who haven’t managed to outgrow the pernicious ways they struggled for recognition when they were learning their ABCs.  Unfortunately, learning one’s ABCs doesn’t always include learning one’s ps and qs -- the social skills necessary for well-functioning adulthood.

Many would like to tell their families:

You have at least four options:

(1)  You can skip this Thanksgiving, telling your siblings that you and your husband have invited some friends, colleagues and neighbors who have no families to join you for Thanksgiving.  Yes, family Thanksgiving dinners are traditional, but they’re not required by law.  You have the right to hold your own and make it a happy holiday on your terms. Two weeks ahead is not too late to change course.

(2)  You can tell your family that you have some friends whom you’d like to bring with you.  Sometimes, but not always, the presence of non-family non-combatants provides a buffer, or demilitarized zone that can reduce the chances that families will behave as obnoxiously as possible.