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Strike Back Against Nature! Build More Bird Choppers!

Where did we get this idea that we need to save the environment? Has the environment ever tried to save us? No. Since the dawn of time, nature has tried to kill us. Earthquakes, plagues, sharknados -- nature is always trying to find new ways to wipe us out. We have like no allies in it. Except the dog. And we have a U.S./Russia-type relationship with the cat. But other than that, basically everything out there -- squirrels, salamanders, azalea bushes -- wants us dead and would kill us all without a second thought if it could. And humanity has only survived because it can overcome nature. For instance, thousands of years ago, there were lions everywhere on all continents. Everywhere. If you went to the grocery store to buy some Froot Loops, a lion would be right there in the aisle, ready to tear you apart. But we defeated them -- it ends up that a lion has no defense against a suplex -- and now lions are mostly wiped out, and humans are everywhere.

In fact, humans are so powerful that we can now inflict great harm on nature. So it’s time for revenge, right? No. People want to "save the environment," and that's why we're building stupid wind turbines instead of sensible things like powered bird choppers. We want to be nice to nature to stop that global climate warming change, but nature will not be nice back. All that warming is just another ploy from nature to try to kill us all. But it's not going to work. We don't care about a little warming, because we have air conditioning.

It's time to stop pretending that nature will ever like us. Instead, we need to strike back against it. We need plans to eventually replace as much of nature as we can with robots. People worry about robots turning on humans, but we can program robots to like us. But even as you read this, there are ducks waddling around, thinking, "Kill all humans!"

And that's how nature is; just because it isn't very good at killing us now doesn't mean it won't get better. When the global warming doesn't kill us off, nature will probably later try to freeze us out. And I’ll bet nature is hard at work in its underground evolution labs trying to come up with a new animal to take us on -- like maybe some sort of gorilla with a bear head that has shark mouths for fists and is bulletproof, i.e., an armored, shark-fisted borilla. I mean, this is the same nature that came up with poisonous snakes, alligators, and honey badgers -- it's always working on new killing machines, and we can't even imagine what it's capable of.

Nature is our enemy and always will be. There is no appeasing it. Eventually we will destroy it, or it will destroy us. So let's stop doing things like making fields full of giant metal blades unless we're going to use them to chop up Canada Geese in flight. I really hate those things.