The Inauguration Speech Obama Should Give — And Won't

What follows is what President Obama would say when he addresses the nation on January 21 as he is inaugurated for the second time if his plan were to level with the American people.

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On this historic occasion, it's of utmost importance that I express my gratitude to all of those whose hard work brought about my reelection.

On Election Night, I thanked one of those groups, namely the Obama For America campaign and its paid and unpaid staff which worked tirelessly, day after day, night after night, going door to door convincing voters in blue states and swing states that the economy really was turning the corner. I regret that I had to treat you so dismissively after my victory was assured by terminating your employment and health insurance so quickly.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't regret it at all. We needed the money you thought you'd be paid to launch our next public opinion manipulation project, our conflict of interest-infested Organizing For Action. Isn't it cool how we've taken those millions of email addresses we've accumulated during two presidential campaigns and just dropped them into the new organization's solicitation list without bothering to get anyone's permission?

My opponent, whom we successfully portrayed as evil, heartless, and cruel, showed that he really is a nice guy after he lost by keeping his people on board longer than we did -- but you know what Leo Durocher said about nice guys. As for the possibility of working for our new group: Don't call us, we'll call you.

Anyway, we knew that the economy as a whole wasn't really recovering (by the way, it still isn't), but that's not what mattered then. As Vince Lombardi once said: "Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing." Lombardi also didn't believe in cheating and cheating again to win -- but poor Vince didn't understand how urgent it is that I "fundamentally transform the United States of America" while I have the opportunity.

That brings me to the second group of people to whom I owe thanks. I have yet to recognize their critical role in my reelection, and I really should express my gratitude publicly for what they did. Those people are the evil Republican and conservative governors who, despite my best efforts to stop them, worked so diligently during my first term, especially the past two years, to turn around or further improve their own states' economies.

First and foremost, there's Rick Perry in Texas. Did you realize that employment in his state was 440,000 higher in October 2012 than it was just 22 months earlier? Despite having my Environmental Protection Agency wage regulatory war on the Lone Star State, Texas, which has 8.3 percent of the nation's population, accounted for 12.5 percent of its job growth and had an October unemployment rate of only 6.6%. Don't rest on your laurels, Rick. Now that I don't have to face reelection again (unless I can do something about that pesky 22nd Amendment), you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Three other smaller states had job-growth records either better than or close to that seen in Texas: North Dakota, Utah, and Oklahoma, which added a combined 150,000 jobs during the same period. Collectively (I really love that word), those four states grew their combined workforces by 4.4 percent. Meanwhile, the other 46 states plus D.C. only managed to grow their employment by less than 2.1 percent.