Please, Please, Please Call Me a Racist™

Hello. My name is Robert Wargas and I am a Racist™.

No, not that kind of racist: not the kind that, you know, actually dislikes people of other races. I don’t have no hate literature on my shelves, if that’s what you think — except for that copy of Mein Kampf I used years ago to write that paper on the Nazis. I don’t walk out my door in the morning thinking, “Theodore G. Bilbo was right.” I don’t look in the mirror and think, “What I need is an entire university department devoted to my skin color.”

I’m none of that, dear readers. None of that. I am, instead, a Racist™.  University-tested and media-approved. Hot off the assembly line. Tagged and branded. Ready for mass consumption. A jester. I’m available for parties. I can dance and quote Ayn Rand. I could tell you all about Say’s Law. I can balance your checkbook. I know the difference between Hayekian and Misesian theory. I can tell you what the phrase “a well regulated militia” really means. I’m hot for Bernard Lewis and Gertrude Himmelfarb. There are many of us. We’re available at fine stores everywhere. We are the 99%.

Are you interested in becoming a Racist™? You may be eligible:

Do you oppose the siphoning off of productive earnings and investment capital into byzantine welfare schemes, run essentially as discretionary funds for politicians who both buy votes and further reward those who have already been bought?

Do you oppose the de facto repeal of the Ninth and Tenth Amendments?

Do you think the “Reverend” Al Sharpton is a criminal, a liar, an antisemite, a libelist, an extortionist, a racketeer, a predator?

Did you refuse to vote for Barack Obama not because he was half-black, but because he was all-huckster?

Do you either ensconce the phrase “Justice Department” in scare quotes or preface it with “so-called”?

Do you think the United States Capitol is, or should be, too important and hallowed a venue for whiny, middle-class white girls from Georgetown to be complaining about the price of contraception?

Do you oppose the efforts of Barack Obama to debase and marginalize allies like Israel and Great Britain while simultaneously offering Russian gangster-politicos concessions made by mortgaging the nation’s well being against the results of his re-election campaign?

Have you noticed that the only way to escape the scorn and contempt of Barack Obama is to be the representative of a hostile Third World dictatorship?