Oh, for a Justice Mary Poppins
Now, I don't know if that person is really out there and whether she'll just come floating from the sky on her umbrella. But if she does exist, I'm sure Obama will find her.
And think of it: Justice Mary Poppins. Someone who doesn't look at a law and see just the strict meaning of its words, but instead sees infinite possibilities. Maybe in a law on tort reform she can find a secret guarantee of laptops for poor kids! Maybe we won't even need to pass legislation for universal health care, because she'll find it within the laws we have, hidden with many clues like in a Dan Brown novel. Who knows what magical wonderment Justice Poppins will find next?
And she won't be so narrow-minded as to make decisions based on what she finds only in American law. No, instead she'll borrow law from magical cartoon lands and France. Maybe she won't worry about laws at all and will instead base her decisions on newspaper articles or the consensus on Twitter. Or maybe she will take something from her imagination and make it our reality.
She will be able to take infinitely complex issues and break them down for us into a single opinion to settle things forever like Roe v. Wade. At the same time, she will be confused beyond belief by a simple statement such as "the right to bear arms shall not be infringed." She doesn't think like you and me; she thinks better.
Now some say the perfect justice should be familiar with the Constitution. That's ridiculous. The job of the Supreme Court is to judge the Constitution and whether it's still relevant to us today. Now, you would get a mistrial if a judge were very familiar with the defendant in a case, which is why the perfect justice -- the Justice Poppins -- should have never seen the Constitution, so as to be unbiased when it's on trial. In fact, maybe she should never read it. Through her empathy and compassion she should know what laws we need. Why would such a magical person let a silly piece of paper stand in the way of that?
So find this perfect justice soon, Obama. She could look after us for a long time, while the Twenty-second Amendment says we have you but for eight years. Then again, maybe the magical eye of Justice Poppins will see a way around that too.