Oh, for a Justice Mary Poppins

What a fabulous time to be alive! With Justice Souter's retirement and our delightful new President Obama ready to appoint the replacement, aren't you just giddy at the possibilities?

We are going to have a new lawgiver! While even inbred hicks get to send their representatives to scribble out some laws, it's the Supreme Court justices who tell us what those laws really mean. You can almost say they're even more important than the president (they do tend to stick around longer), which is why the choice must be made carefully.

Now some say the job of the justice is to merely interpret the law based on the Constitution, but luckily, Obama isn't one of those narrow-minded Neanderthals who want a law-interpreting robot. He's said he wants someone who understands that:

[J]ustice isn't about some abstract legal theory or footnote in a case book, it is also about how our laws affect the daily realities of people's lives, whether they can make a living, and care for their families, whether they feel safe in their homes, and welcome in their own nation. I view that quality of empathy, of understanding and identifying with peoples hopes and struggles as an essential ingredient for arriving at just decisions and outcomes.

See, he wants someone who understands us, cares for us, loves us. Someone who isn't going to worry if what some old text says is true when he (or, preferably, she) knows what's best to make us feel good about ourselves!

Know who this made me think of? Mary Poppins -- a magical nanny sent to fulfill all the needs of two deserving children. And aren't we a nation of deserving children looking for someone to take care of us? Now, I remember that in Mary Poppins the two children wrote a letter of the qualifications for the perfect nanny to make her appear, and it's certainly worth a shot to find the perfect justice.  Here's what I came up with:

THE PERFECT JUSTICE

If you want this choice position

Please be a legal magician

Have empathy, have grace

Be a minority race.

Do not care for original meaning,

Find it legal if its left-leaning

Free the terrorists, legalize pot

Ban guns, Have Cheney shot

Must give gay marriage the nod

And remove all mentions of God

Always protect our right to choose

And make laws based on your views

You could be all our salvation

Force us to be a better nation.

Come and change our laws based on liberal pleas

So we don't have to wait for democracy.

Hurry, Justice! We implore!

Victory needs just five to four.