Obama's Terrifying Vision of a 'Smarter' Government

Right now we can laugh off all the big conspiracy theories, because it's ridiculous to believe that a government that can't even successfully plot to tie its own shoe could secretly blow up the World Trade Center or something. But no more... not with a smarter government. It will be everywhere, with its hands in everything... but now invisible. And that's the scariest part: If the government were efficient and smart, we wouldn't even know what it was up to. Every day in the news we hear things like, "Look at this new dumb thing the government did!" But imagine if that stops and we never hear about the government anymore. It'll just be out there, working in the background, and anytime we ask what it's doing, Obama will just look at us with a creepy smile and say, "Smart things. Terrible, yes... but smart!"

And what if the government gets so smart it becomes self-aware? It will be like Skynet. I mean, it already has the robot drones. And you know that just like Skynet, it will determine that people are the problem -- the one thing that always gets in the way of its plans. A smart government could lead us to a dystopian future where the world is taken over, not by robots or apes, but instead by the government. Our children will live underground, hiding, as the government tries to lure them out with promises of free health care and Social Security checks and funding for the arts.

No, thank you, Obama. I'll stick with my large, dumb government. Sure, it's destructive and expensive, but it’s also predictable and too dull-witted to ever defeat the citizenry. We'll take the lumbering moron beast that is our federal government over the fast, efficient, horrific demon you propose.

Of course, if the government tried to make itself smarter, it would probably be as successful at that as it is at anything else it ever attempts. Obama saying he is going to make the government smarter is a bit like a four-year-old saying he's going to build a robot. If anything, Obama will probably just make the government even dumber. So, really, this whole idea of a smart government is just a scary, scary thought... like getting attacked by evil space aliens or a zombie apocalypse. It shouldn't ever actually happen.

But I'm stocking my survival shelter just in case.