Obama Apologizes to Asteroids for 'Observing Their Motions Without a Warrant'

He went on:

There are those who say that it is futile to attempt to talk non-sentient, even inanimate objects from their deadly course. I say that any object that can slam into the earth with no warning can hardly be characterized as "inanimate," and that this is just the irrational and mindless prejudice of patriarchal linear thinking. In the coming months, or years, or however long it takes for me to actually get a new NASA administrator in place, we will reach out to our brothers of the sun.

And so I say, to all extraterrestrial rocks, whether carbonaceous or metallic, to all the dirty ice balls that share our star, from the inner system to the Kuiper Belt and the Oort Cloud, I speak not just as an American, or even as a Kenyan or an Indonesian. I speak to you as a Terran and a citizen of the Galaxy. I know that we have much cruel history to live down, from stealing so much of the sun's resources over the past eons to invading the moon almost 40 years ago with cynical statements about "coming in peace for all mankind."

Thus I come to you in supplication, to abjectly kowtow to our insensate mineral companions, our fellow travelers around our star. I want to grovel before the gravel and negotiate with you with no preconditions, so that we may discuss our differences and work out the best means of appeasing you while asking little of you.

We know that we are not at war with the asteroids. America does not consider Apophis the enemy. It is simply a Facebook friend that we haven't met yet. So let us come together, mano en regolith, to build a better future for all of Sol's children.

As he completed his speech, the president turned to the sun -- bringer of Green power, shining brightly in the late afternoon -- and got down on his knees. He prostrated himself before the energy god, even deeper than he had before the oil god in Riyadh, and loudly declared, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. I weep for my planet, when I contemplate that Sol is just."

The crowd cheered, knowing that at last there would be peace in our time.