Obama Apologizes to Asteroids for 'Observing Their Motions Without a Warrant'

WASHINGTON (Routers) With his historic speech today, most analysts agreed that the Obama administration made huge inroads in rebuilding America's relations with the rest of the solar system, reversing anti-terrestrial hostility that had understandably built up in the wake of years of Bush administration arrogance and interplanetary war mongering. In an address before the International Astronomical Union, the president made a moving plea for understanding to all the asteroids that may find our planet in their path.

"This asteroid problem is one that we inherited from the last administration, which not only did nothing about it, but exacerbated it with its cowboy attitude. They were actively belligerent, repeatedly lighting them up with radar and blatantly, even proudly observing their motions without a warrant," Obama said. "But it was much worse than that. My predecessor not only made a completely unprovoked attack on an innocent comet, but reveled in it, cynically calling it a 'smashing success,' and declaring that 'we hit it exactly where we wanted to.' And now there are plans to cruelly exploit these bodies for their resources, without the proper labor safeguards in place or an international regime to ensure that the wealth is spread around.

"With all of this arrogance and blatant disregard for the rights of others, I believe that it is long past time for us to appropriately ask, 'Why do they hate us'?

"Despite the lack of warning, the most recent incidents were clearly not hostile, but meant to show that they mean us no harm, simply wanting to fire an appropriate warning shot over our bow shock, so to speak, to get us to change our bellicose and oppressive Western ways."

With the deeply insightful song "Imagine" playing in the background, Obama laid out an inspiring vision of solar peace for the future to the awe-struck crowd of scientists:

Now, I understand that it is a problem that has been growing for millions of years, but particularly over the last eight, and it's not reasonable to expect us to solve it in a hundred days, but solve it we will. It was caused by reckless talk of deregulation by the previous administration, by things like revisiting the Outer Space Treaty. We can't allow the greed of the few to result in a righteous retaliation by the oppressed. I recognize that it may not happen in my lifetime, but I want to set a goal of a solar system that is safe for all of its inhabitants and not just the wealthy and sentient.