Obama Barackette

A conspiracy theory has been going around for some time that Barack Obama is hiding his real birth certificate because he is actually constitutionally ineligible to be president. Like most respectable conservatives, I've stayed away from such conjecture so as not to get the crazy on me, but now I've been having second thoughts.

Many of Obama's recent actions have made him seem quite suspect, and I'm beginning to think there is good reason to believe he is not eligible to be our president as outlined by our Founding Fathers in the Constitution. About the office of the president, Article 2, Section 1 clearly states: "neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years."

Thus I believe Obama is not qualified as he is, in fact, a little girl.

Now, while Obama's original birth certificate has never been made public, Hawaii has issued a certificate of live birth that declares Barack Obama to be a forty-eight-year-old man. Usually I'd consider something like that official enough, but evidence has mounted that's made me doubt it. First it was his weakness on foreign policy. Then there were his complaints about Republican opposition. Next was just how easy he is to push around. Finally, there is his whimpering about Fox News. Now, I think we owe it to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers to analyze Obama and ask ourselves: Are these the actions of an adult male or a whiny, sissy little girl?

This is an important question, and we should treat it seriously. Now I know partisan hacks are going to scream, "He's not a little girl! Shut up shut up shut up!" But the evidence is devastating. Just look at Obama's foreign policy since taking office. As enemies like Iran oppress their people and move towards obtaining nuclear weapons, does he strike back against them forcefully like any real man would? No, that's too scary for him. Tough talk like that would make him hug his dolly. He just wants to talk and be nice so no one yells at him.

He even tried inviting Iran to a barbecue. That sounds a lot like a sissy little girl too afraid to stand up to people. Any day now, he might invite Ahmadinejad over to play house with him. Obama even took missile defense out of Eastern Europe because he didn't want people getting all angry -- just the sort of thing a little girl would worry about. For wimpy actions like this, Norway awarded him the Nobel Peace Prize, which is basically a prize awarded to people in recognition of them being dainty little girls.

Even greater evidence of Obama being a little girl, though, is his girlish whining. He's constantly whining about his predecessor President Bush, screaming "that's not fair!" anytime someone suggests he might need to shoulder some responsibility for the economy (and aren't his trillions in spending for a country in debt something anyone smarter than a little girl would have instantly seen as a problem?). Obama is also constantly throwing tantrums about the Republicans opposing him.