Now That We Have Air Conditioning, It's Time to Relocate the Capitol

It turns out that most ambulatory Haitians would jump for joy at the idea; Haiti would become, at least compared to what it now is, a paradise, and its GDP, GNP, and GWE (Gross Whatever Else) would expand like an oil spill or become engorged like the wealth of some former (and even current) politicians. Hunger would vanish (SOG restaurant scraps could feed the entire country), Haitians would no longer risk their lives in small bathtub like devices to come to the United States, and congressional fact-finding missions to beautiful tropical isles would cost far less. R & R excursions to experience Cuba's pleasures would be far easier, and massive goodwill could be spread throughout the entire Caribbean. The Monroe Doctrine might even be resurrected.

This would not be quite as harsh an environment for our political class as some might imagine they deserve. My (then) wife and I spent a couple of weeks in Haiti back in 1977, and (I) enjoyed it. The people in Port-au-Prince seemed reasonably happy, content, and well-dressed, despite a State Department warning to avoid the place due to a severe drought. Lots of poor people managed to get water by breaking open water pipes (getting strange illnesses along with the water), but the people who owned cars were able to wash them daily.

Our political class would feel right at home. Some of the best fifteen-year-old rum in the world is created there; back in 1977, it cost $5.00 per fifth. From the ruins of the Citadel, a few miles up in the mountains near Cap Haitien, the voodoo drums (doubtless beating out messages concerning economic theory) could be heard in the distance. Baby Doc's Tonton Macoute tended to be pleasant and helpful, at least to Embassy personnel with flat tires and to some unnamed tourists who happened to be guests of ranking embassy personnel.

Washington, D.C., is overcrowded, and removal of the SOG to Haiti would improve both places -- a win-win situation. It's the obvious next step toward restoration of a sane federal government and should be implemented immediately. When elected, that will be my top priority. Upon implementation, I shall promptly resign and, like Cincinnatus, return to the privations of private life.