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New Year's Resolutions for All Americans

Try and make sure tax money isn't going towards child prostitution.

You know how I mentioned that Democrats love to spend money? Apparently they don't even really care where. Thus we have ACORN, which apparently has no problem using our tax money for things like prostitution. So maybe in the future, we can keep a closer eye on things and try not to let that happen. In the least, let's have the government finish filling in all the pot holes first, and after that we'll see if there's any money left in the budget for child prostitution.

Let's have fewer obese children.

I think everyone agrees that there are way too many fat kids. Studies have shown that too many fat kids leads to civil unrest, melting of polar ice caps, gingivitis, biblical apocalypses, and a scarcity of Cheetos. We all have to work hard to make kids less fat. My idea is to help them get exercise by wearing a scary mask and chasing them.

Have fewer movies where the military are the bad guys.

I know everyone hates the military. They're always going out there and risking their lives so we can lead cushy lives in safety. That's why they're so often portrayed as villains in movies. But maybe we can give them a break and have someone else be the villain in the movie. Maybe like Middle Eastern terrorists. If Hollywood thinks a villain like that would be hard to believe, they can just classify the movie as sci-fi.

If we start a war, let’s finish it.

No more starting a war and then later whining, "This is too hard! Let's quit!" Either we don't start wars, or we see them through to the end without complaining. And it just looks odd that the ones complaining most about wars are the ones who aren't even getting shot at.

Elect people who aren't complete morons.

I know we make this resolution every year, but let's keep it this time. Apparently, smart people have better things to do than be politicians, so we have cases like Orlando where I guess the only one not too busy to be a congressman was Alan Grayson, who was just standing on the side of the road shouting obscenities at passing cars. We need a better way than that to find elected officials.

Let's stand up for freedom.

America is supposed to be about freedom, so when a wannabe, socialist dictator is legally thrown out in a South American country or people protest a sham election in Iran, let's stand up for them … or at least not actively work against them. I guess that's mainly a resolution for Obama; he's probably a little tepid on democracy considering that it's soon going to turn around and bite him, but stick with it, big guy!

Keep a cheery attitude.

Yeah, things have seemed pretty bleak lately with unemployment and wars and a president who seems to know less about helping an economy than the average community organizer. But as bad as things are, they could be a lot worse. So don't act like it's the end of the world; it's not like we're now Canada or something.

Happy New Year! Be awesome!