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Mourning Goliath: An Editorial from the Philistine Times

Do they not launch their missiles of stone against the tents of the sick and the nurseries of the young? Do they not seek to infect our people with poisoned dates and jellies? Do they not lay traps for us wherever we may walk in reverent contemplation of heaven's bounties? Do they not send rats among us to do their pestilential bidding? Do they not foment discord among their neighbors by setting one against the other with lies and plots? Yea, do they not insult the name of our Lord by their very presence on the soil of our ancestors?

Yet there is no doubt that the nations and kingdoms of the Fertile Crescent wish only to live in harmony among themselves, to extend a fatherly hand to the widow and the child, and to exercise the virtues of compassion and tolerance. Our armies, as is well known, are devoted to the welfare of our citizens, building bridges across dangerous ravines, constructing hospitals, draining swamps, and assisting the victims of earthquake, drought, and hurricane. Our emissaries are constantly engaged in errands of mercy, bringing concord to far-lying regions that have yet to taste the blessings of civilization. Our people cry peace, peace, peace. For this reason, we have been ill-prepared to meet a militant and quarrelsome horde of thugs and hooligans who seek only conquest and spoliation.

This is a time for vigilance and steadfast resolve against a savage and warlike nation that is also an interloper in the region. Were we responsible for their Egyptian captivity? Did we ask them to come, we who have been here since time immemorial? Are we so credulous as to believe the myth they have circulated that they were here on the land before the great famine? And that it is we who are the invaders? We who are the relative latecomers? What brazenness! God willing, we will carry the spirit of our fallen martyr, the noble Goliath so cruelly undone, into battle and utterly defeat the barbaric Israelitic entity.

Their cowardly canniness, teeming numbers, passion for world domination, financial resources, appetite for blood, and of course their monopoly of the written word -- all these will not avail them and the day will come, God willing, when they will assuredly be driven into the sea.