Moscow Expresses 'Concern' About Treatment of Ethnic Russians in Brighton Beach

Appearing with de Blasio, Biden offered the moral support of a “steadfast ally” but promised only modest assistance to help New York modernize its school system, due to resistance from the teachers' unions.

Secretary of State Kerry was equally harsh in his denunciation of Moscow’s threats. “The invasion and occupation of New York is such an 18th-century thing,” he declared. “It hasn’t happened since the British did it in the 1770s. Well, unless you count the Irish in the 19th century. Anyway, we threw the Brits out within half a decade. Russia should not want to be on the wrong side of history. And I hope that President Putin doesn’t take that comment personally, because it was in no way intended that way. No way at all. I was talking about Russia.”

In Washington, presidential spokesman Jay Carney reportedly read a prepared statement: “We strongly support the territorial integrity of the state of New York, and will do whatever is necessary in order to maintain it and Brooklyn’s ability to determine its own destiny, up to and including double secret probation for President Putin’s casual acquaintances. The only thing that is completely off the table is military action. We will never, ever consider that, so we hope that Russia doesn’t take advantage of our unwillingness to start any new wars. I mean, come on. We’re just wrapping up the last ones we started, and wars do nothing to provide health care for the American people. Well, except for the soldiers. Anyway, I am hereby issuing a stern warning from President Obama to President Putin: 'Don't call my bluff, Vladimir.'"

President Obama himself, at a secret undisclosed golf course, filling out his NCAA brackets, was unavailable for comment.