Loving the Financial Crisis

We are all suffering? Who are we kidding? Lots of us love the financial crisis. Here's a roundup:

The left loves the financial crisis because it supports their view that the free market doesn't work and justifies their anger at capitalism. In their mind, this is exactly what happens when you follow a policy of deregulation and tax "giveaways" to the rich. Their only fix is to get rid of the corporations, the executives, the investors, free trade, property rights, and everything else that has given us the highest per-capita GDP in the world (of any large country) and replace it all with central committees straight out of the Cuban Revolution. The patient has the flu and their cure is the guillotine.

The mainstream media love the financial crisis for the same reason that they love any disaster. Will you and your children be forced to live in a tent city surrounded by trash with no running water or bathrooms? We'll tell you just how bad it is going to get and what you can do right after this commercial break.

CNBC loves the financial crisis. Their ratings are up 30%, and that's before the Santelli tea party.

Fox News loves the crisis because it belongs to Barack now.

My friend from high school loves the financial crisis and hopes it gets 100% worse. "I've been poor all my life," he says. "Everyone should know how it feels."

Senator John McCain loves the financial crisis because he can talk about how wasteful earmarks are and make fun of the worst, like the pig odor study. Senator, you're a genuine war hero who brought tears to my eyes when you asked me to stand up for America. Is that really your best issue?

The Democrats love the financial crisis because they can push their agenda through Congress by playing Good Samaritan -- i.e., we've got to help all of those hardworking folks on Main Street. In their version of the parable, the Samaritan helped his fellow traveler on the side of the road by raising the minimum wage, forcing him to join a union, taxing carbon dioxide, and telling him to learn Spanish.

Iran, Venezuela, al-Qaeda, and the rest of America's enemies love the financial crisis because not only have we lost our credibility, but foreign policy issues have completely fallen off the agenda. Even British Prime Minister Gordon Brown can't get an hour with Obama, although he can rest a little easier knowing we're not wasting our money on expensive gifts.

Senator Ron Paul, Glenn Beck, and the "hard money" guys love the crisis because they have been predicting that our free spending ways would eventually collapse the financial system. While you are all absolutely right that the first thing the U.S. needs to do is to put the shovel down and stop digging, this is just the warm-up. The real crash won't hit until all of the boomers have retired and start cashing their Social Security and Medicare IOUs.

Michael Moore loves the financial crisis. His next film is all about how Americans are getting screwed by the financial industry. If you're one of those poor unfortunates who got a home loan despite having no job, income, or assets, please send your tale of woe to [email protected]