Liveblogging Tiger Woods' Big Press Conference

7:47AM When Aaron asked me to drunkblog this thing -- I think he was kidding about getting drunk at 9AM -- I almost said no. Making fun of Tiger Woods? It's like going to see Olivier perform Macbeth on stage, and spending the entire show laughing and pointing at that stupid young king. So we'll see what happens.

7:53AM We've got a tiny little technical glitch. That 3:37PM timestamp should read something around 7:46AM Pacific. Totally my bad, for clicking the submit button before the post was published. We're working on it.

7:54AM OK, another tiny glitch. That 3:53PM timestamp should be 7:52AM Pacific. That one isn't my bad. I don't think. Anyway, if we're pretending it's that late in the afternoon, can I go ahead and have a martini? Just a little one?

7:55AM What's your take? What does Tiger need to do today? Or should he retire from public life?

7:58AM Back to the Shakespeare thing while we work on the tech issues. Here's a guy who, before he was thirty, totally changed golf. He turned it from a lazy man's activity into a competitive sport, pretty much through sheer force of will and an almost inhuman effort. And then... the harem of slightly skanky nightclub hostesses. Epic tragedy. And like all tragedy, self-inflicted. It's really hard to find the funny. Especially sober. But I'm working on it.

8:02AM Wow. The... Tigerness... I don't see it.

8:02AM "I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior." That's a solid mea culpa.

8:03AM "My real apology to here will not come from words, but... from behavior over time." And he's trying to keep what's private, private -- as best as can.

8:05AM "My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners..." You know what I'm finding grating? "My behavior," as if it's something separate from himself. How about "I have caused considerable worry... ?"

8:05AM "I have made you question who I am." OK, we're away from the "my behavior" thing.

8:06AM "Never hit me that night or any other night." This is a man defending his wife... at long last.

8:06AM "I cheated. What I did was not acceptable and I am the only person to blame."

8:07AM "I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to." Well, yeah. "I thought I was entitled." Well, duh. "I was wrong, I was foolish."

8:07AM "I don't get to play by different rules."

8:08AM This seems like an honestly contrite man. "I want to live a life of integrity."