Alas, my esteemed colleague Vodkapundit is off drinking elsewhere, so he won't be able to drunkblog the continuing trainwreck of the Democratic primary this evening. You'll have to settle for my buzzed blog instead. Although I make no guarantees I won't get hammered watching this "democratic" socialist steamroll his way to the nomination of one of our two major parties. A Bernie presidency really would mean the Soviets will have belatedly won one of their central Cold War aims.
But it's not all doom and gloom tonight. Pop the popcorn, mix your martinis, and settle in to watch the dumpster fire. First, there is Obama's unwanted stepchild Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. (D-Cornpop), the man resting all his hopes on some black voters in South Carolina. He's sure to make the corn pop and his own poll numbers drop with a few more embarrassing gaffes.
Then there's former Big Apple Mayor Mike Bloomberg (D-PILES OF CASH), everlasting proof that the Democrats want to buy elections far more than any Republican. (Here's the real reason why they hate Citizens United, but I digress.) At least Mikey-Mike understands why socialism is a serious threat to America, but he's also got more than a few skeletons in his closet... Expect more hate thrown his way this evening.
Speaking of billionaires, coal investor-turned-green activist Tom Steyer is also expected to shout "NEED TO IMPEACH!" at random moments throughout the debate. Drink if he says "impeachment" or spreads climate alarmism.
Then there's the Lord of the Poultry (D-Church of Social Justice), who wants to out the sexual orientation of nine-year-olds, for some reason. Make sure to take a swig during his lecture about how GOP tax cuts and a booming economy are somehow a grievous sin against Mayor Pete's pro-abortion deity.
Let's not forget the senator who formerly identified as Native American (ex-trans-racial?) and who belatedly realized her plans didn't make any sense economically. Liz Warren (D-1/1024th of a plan) has every reason to be ticked about how the mean press called her out for her pie-in-the-sky notions while seemingly giving the pro-USSR socialist a pass.
Finally, there's Goldilocks. Normally, a fifth-place finish in Iowa followed by third-place showing in New Hampshire and a sixth-place lag in Nevada would be enough to convince a candidate to throw in the towel, but Amy Klobuchar is the next big thing. Her fundraising is keeping her in the race, and she has replaced Kamala Harris as the fifth-place candidate in national polls. Will the anti-Sanders support consolidate and make her America's abusive boss?
So... Dems are stuck with the socialist? Let's drink to them revealing their true colors — and pray our knees off he doesn't beat Trump in November. After all, it's Ash Wednesday tomorrow!
Tyler O'Neil is the author of Making Hate Pay: The Corruption of the Southern Poverty Law Center. Follow him on Twitter at @Tyler2ONeil.