LIVE: Drunkblogging the Iowa Caucuses

If you need a rundown on how tonight's caucuses are supposed to function, before the infinite number of monkeys with their infinite number of wrenches go to work on the process, I have that for you up here. It's a nifty primer to help you understand the Iowa caucuses without having to think very much.

You’re welcome, America.

To give you an idea of what the stakes are, here's fellow swiller Jim Geraghty:

Clearly, the nominee won't be decided tonight. What is at stake is bragging rights, the appearance of momentum, and a chance to prove which candidate can connect with grassroots voters. All of these are a Big Deal going into New Hampshire, and especially the expensive delegate-rich states that actually will pick the winner.

Unless the DNC puts its thumb on the scale to deny a Sanders candidacy.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The liveblog should autorefresh, so you won't need to hit the Reload button to get the latest info. It's better that way, because reloading the whole page taxes our server, and we still haven't sprung for the 8meg memory upgrade on the trust PJM Amiga 500.

I have the Decision Desk supergeniuses on hand. I have C-SPAN. I have a bucket of ice, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, a peeled lime, and a dry vermouth.

That's as ready as I know how to be, so if you're ready, too...

...shall we begin?

UPDATE: Amazing Managing Editor Paula Bolyard got the DDHQ widget working, so I'll keep their numbers here at the top of the page for you. Snark will follow below in the usual manner.

I started realtime drunkblogging of live events back in 2003, but I've never had to call it quits before.

But how do you report on election results when the election provides no results to report?

So I have to call it quits for the night, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that the fun is just getting started.

See you right back here tomorrow night for what ought to be the most epic State of the Union Address drunkblog EVER.

Forget what I've been saying for months now about the primary schedule from now through South Carolina.

It's all been torn up, blown up, reduced to its component molecules. And then the molecules were put through centrifuges, made into a nuclear warhead, which was then detonated over everyone's campaign plans.

Before tonight, it was a fight.

Now it's war.

And if I had to guess, it's going to be a combination of the Somme in 1917 and the Fulda Gap in 1984 if the Soviets had gotten all frisky.

High-speed, digitally enabled, mass slaughter.

Who brought the Jiffy Pop?

Life moves pretty fast.

THIS IS FINE.

This is a sharp take, and generally in line with my impressions before they all came out to give their Schroedinger's Speeches.

I think we need to shut down the entire Democratic Party until we can figure out what happened.

I dare you to find anything that went right, unless you happen to be an agent of Operation Chaos.

Nailed it.

After a debate, the reporters all take their mics and camera crews to the candidates' spin doctors, who then do their utmost to explain where their candidate was the real winner, even after they had a couple moments where they confused the NATO alliance for a college football team, right after pledging to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age."

After an election, usually the winners give their victory speeches and the losers give their concession speeches.

But what we have tonight is the candidates doing their own spin, because they didn't have any spin doctors on call, and because the results of an actual caucus turned out to be as elusive as Hillary after losing Pennsylvania.

I can't think of anything to compare this to. All they had to do was count the votes, report the votes, and announce the results.

But something very screwed up is going on here, and once again I'll tell you that the longer this takes, the more crooked it appears.

Now that the candidates are giving their Schrodinger Speeches, it's becoming clear that word came down to the campaigns that there might not be any results at all tonight.

Because, and I quote, "integrity."

And I'm the Pope of Siam.