Top Ten Signs Your Parents Secretly Hate You
10. Never installed the safety rail on your crib.
9. Taught you to play catch with ash-hot charcoal briquettes.
8. Favorite family movie night feature? Mommie Dearest.
7. "I was so happy the day you were born, I punched your mother right in the uterus."
6. So-called career guidance councilor was some guy from Hamas.
5. For 16th birthday you got the keys to Mom’s car and a gallon jug of Mad Dog 20/20.
4. "You can go anywhere you like for Spring Break, so long as it’s in Helmand province."
3. "Looking both ways is for sissies, son."
2. Your first bike came without a seat.
1. Honestly meant to post that thing about regretting your very existence on a much smaller social media platform