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Top Ten Signs Your Parents Secretly Hate You

10. Never installed the safety rail on your crib.

9. Taught you to play catch with ash-hot charcoal briquettes.

8. Favorite family movie night feature? Mommie Dearest.

7. "I was so happy the day you were born, I punched your mother right in the uterus."

6. So-called career guidance councilor was some guy from Hamas.

5. For 16th birthday you got the keys to Mom’s car and a gallon jug of Mad Dog 20/20.

4. "You can go anywhere you like for Spring Break, so long as it’s in Helmand province."

3. "Looking both ways is for sissies, son."

2. Your first bike came without a seat.

1. Honestly meant to post that thing about regretting your very existence on a much smaller social media platform