Drunkblogging the Second Democratic Debate: Night One

With apologies to Prince...

Here we are folks, the dream we all dream of.

Dem versus Dem in the World Series of pandering.

As you're probably aware, there are so many Democrats running for 2020 that the DNC requires each candidate to show a certain amount of support -- poll numbers, number of unique donors -- in order to appear on the debate stage. Even so, 20 candidates qualified, and that means two nights of debates with ten candidates each night. CNN drew the names at random, and lucky for them the four biggest guns got split up into two pairs on the two nights.

Me? I'm just here for the cocktails.

Tonight's line up:

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D, MA)

Senator Bernie Sanders (CPSU, Primorsk)

Mayor Pete Buttigieg (The Preachy Party, IN)

Former Congressman Robert Crimthand Domnall-Blathmac Embroidery "Beta" O'Rourke (D-Bag, TX)

Amy Klobuchar (Workers' Family Labor and Teachers' Party, MN or maybe WI)

Marianne Williamson (Summer of Love, CA)

Congressman (?) Tim Ryan (???)

Former Governor John Hickenlooper (D-for-Desperate, CO)

John Delaney and/or Steve Bullock (Who?)

That's the roster, and this is the end of the drunkblog intro. Everything you see under this will be up-to-the-minute cocktail-fueled live-blogging. Hit the refresh button to see new entries.

Enjoy the show, and please, no wagering.

UPDATE: Auto-update isn't working tonight, so you'll have to hit Refresh after all.

Closing statements: Ryan hopes to have captured your imagination, while looking a lot more like Tim Ryan than Marianne Williamson.

Give credit where it's due, and tonight it's to the CNN panel for doing a credible job of taking ten also-rans and treating them like real contenders.

Or maybe not.

Maybe Buttigieg or Warren or even Sanders can win the nomination.

But... tonight didn't feel like that. We'll know more in just 24 hours from right now, and me and my liver and my fully tax-deductible bottle of scotch will be here for it.

Until then: Don't stay thirsty, my friends -- drink up.

Closing statements: Sanders GREW UP ON RENT CONTROL AND HIS PARENTS WERE POOR AND TRUMP IS BAD BUT ALL THE THINGS CAN BE FREE IF WE TRANSFORM THE COUNTRY WHICH HAS BEEN DECIMATED BY DIABETES AND CROOKS WHO PRICE-FIX WITH GREED AND THE FOSSIL FUELS WHICH PROMOTE THE PRISON-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX AND CHEMTRAILS STOLE MY LUGGAGE.

Closing statements: Warren's family didn't have the money to send her to college, until she lied about her heritage.

#winning

Closing statements: Buttigieg says many numbers like Williamson says many words.

Closing statements: Beta wants to meet the challenge in one another by including everyone which is what he does for high-wage jobs on his city council meetings.

Closing statements: Klobuchar says... does anyone care what she says? Her talent lies in pegging the left side of the charisma-meter.

Closing statements: Hickenlooper says, "What a night. I loved it."

Yes, weed is still legal in Colorado.

Closing statements: Delaney is trying to channel JFK while being bald.

Closing statements: Williamson wants to solve a lot of problems you've never heard of. Also, Orange Man and Corporate Overlords Bad.