Drunkblogging the First Democratic Debate: Part One

"He's more machine now than man -- twisted and evil."

-Obi-Wan Kenobi on his former pupil, Darth Vader

Of course, Kenobi could have been talking about my liver, after six competitive presidential primaries to drink through since starting VodkaPundit in 2002, even more election cycles, endless debates, State of the Union addresses, one particularly trying Parent-Teacher conference...

And it all led up to this: 20 candidates, some you might even have heard of before. Twin debates. Two consecutive nights. One fully-deductible bar tab.

Ain't life sweet?

The drunkblog kicks off...

...now.

Well, what to say?

It was a high-speed multiperson press conference where the questions were asked by cheerleaders.

That's the show the DNC wanted, and it's the show NBC delivered.

I'll have the big wrap tomorrow night, following Debatin' II: Electric Boogaloo.

Time for the big closes...

Warren: I wanted to grow up to be a teacher, and thanks to insider dealing, I got paid a lot of money for barely teaching. Also, plutocrats are bad.

Time for the big closes...

Beta: I have children and am for children, especially the ones being murdered at the border.

Time for the big closes...

Booker: I'm black and done stuff.

It's catching: Klobuchar just said MEEEchigan with a pseudo-Spanish accent.

Time for the big closes...

Klobuchar: I listen to people before I throw glass ashtrays at them.

Time for the big closes...

Castro: I can speak Spanish tonight, and that's progress.

Time for the big closes...

Gabbard: "Our nation was founded on the principle of service before self."

Her actual words, after also having failed Civics eight times.

P.S. She served in the Army and will usher in a new century which started 19 years ago.

Time for the big closes...

Ryan: I hear you, and there's a tent city in LA and a waitress in Wisconsin.

Good to know.

Time for the big closes...

Inslee: He didn't want to run for President, but then he thought of the last day of Planet Earth, and how much he wants to save grandchildren.