Drunkblogging the Final Obama State of the Union Address

Our long national nightmare is nearly over.

We've got tonight's State of the Union, presumably a keynote address during the Democratic National Convention this summer, and knowing Barack Obama, some kind of self-inflated self-valedictory when his second term is merciful over.

And then? A quiet retirement of globetrotting to give six-figure speeches and butting his nose into the next President's business.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?

This is the final Obama Era SOTU Drunkblog, as this lamest of ducks entertains himself and his dwindling fanbase with the sound of his own quacks.

Join me now, won't you?

And raise one. And then raise another. And a third if this thing goes on as long as I fear.

I can sum this one up quickly.

This was Obama's Al Bundy speech, the lowly shoe salesman desperately trying to get everyone to remember that time he scored four touchdowns in one game.

Er, that is President Obama wanted us to forget most of the last seven years he's actually been President, and instead remember that time Candidate Obama gave those big speeches everybody loved.

I'd say even by that modest measure, tonight's speech was worthy of an Al Bundy nap.

"I believe in change because I believe in you."

What does that even mean?

Dorothy Parker once quipped, "I can't write five words but that I change seven."

Let's change that to, "I can't script five words but that I speak seven."

"I'm dressing the American people now."

Good thing, because the live audience seems to have mostly checked out about 15 minutes ago.

"It will only happen if we have rational, constructive debates."

-Barack Obama, 2016.

"I won."

-Barak Obama, 2009.

Don't piss in the well and tell me the water tastes funny, bub.

"This brings me to the fourth and maybe most important thing I want to say tonight..."

We're only at four?

We're gonna beat malaria!

Um... we did beat malaria, right up until the environmentalists got DDT banned.

"We're partnering with local forces in Syria."

So I guess at least two of those dozen guys we finally got trained are still in the fight.

This foreign policy stuff is bordering on delusional.